2.5 year old asking about grandfather's death

I wonder could you give me a little advice? My Dad passed away 3 weeks ago, he was a huge part of my daughter’s life, she's 2 1/2. She asks where he is and I hold it together to explain, Grandad is gone to live with Nana in Heaven. My mam passed away before my daughter was born and she knows from Mams picture who she is etc. The thing is, she keeps asking my brother - What happened to Grandad? My poor brother can't answer it's like it hits him with a ton of bricks when she asks, I'm thinking she's not happy with my explanation and wants another? I've told her that grandad missed nana so went to live in heaven with her and that he's ok and not sick anymore.

I just wondered if you have any advice with this. I've asked her does she miss grandad and she said yes and I said I miss him to and that's ok etc. Just don't know if I'm missing something or should be saying something else.

I understand your very busy so no problem if you can't reply but if possible any advice would be much appreciated.

I’m so glad you wrote and would love to try to help.
I am so sorry for your loss. Dealing with a death in the family as well as trying to deal with its effects on our children is a difficult balance. I hope you are finding the time to grieve yourself and find the connection you need. It is totally natural for your daughter to be questioning things regarding the death of your father. Children have a stronger sense of the eternalness of spirit so the concept of him suddenly being gone will stir up a lot of questions for her. There is also always the issue of a child facing the fact that since one person is suddenly gone, it could happen to anyone.
When events happen that we have to answer our children’s questions there and then we often find that we don’t really know what we think ourselves, and unfortunately our children pick up on our own lack of conviction. Therefore, I would suggest taking some time to tap into your deepest version of yourself and getting a sense of what you believe deep down. Personally, as I was just telling a friend of mine today in fact, I find that death breaks down walls, and in thinking of the person who has passed we can get a sense of them, reassuring us that they are eternal beings, always around. When we’ve tapped into our own eternal states, we feel stronger about our belief in them and therefore when we speak of it, our children hear it clearer.
However, I think you’ve answered her question beautifully, clearly and well. It will probably delve into more complicated conversations as she gets older and I always find death an interesting way to start talking about spiritual matters to small children. For instance, “their body stopped working so they left it behind” creates the idea that we are more than our bodies. There are also some wonderful children’s books out there that give it in simple, natural terms, which can offer a sense of what the life cycle is to a small child, without causing them concern that any of their loved ones are next.
As far as your brother is concerned, I would suggest to your daughter that she asks someone else. It’s alright to ask her to not talk about it to him as he is hurting because he misses Grandad so much. Tell her he needs her help to feel better, ask if she can play with him and help him in this time. Is there anyone else she can talk to, maybe his partner, or a cousin? If not, then keep it simple, you do well to point out you still miss him, as his body isn’t around to see, but you know he is still around, watching over you, giving you love.
I had a woman write in with a similar question once and I mentioned two things which I think she found helpful in the transition, for it is a transition and soon your daughter’s life will resume to the regular day to day, although always slightly different than it was before.
One point was to offer a sense of ritual to the event for your daughter. Something that ties it all together. A funeral of course is ritual enough, but not suitable for a child to really absorb, but a ritual in the sense of drawing a picture for her grandfather and burying it (which my daughter did for a friend of hers when she passed away), planting seeds or a tree for him, creating something, or even doing small things like writing things to him/drawing things for him in the sand and letting the waves take them to him (which a friend on the SAP page does for her daughter. She finds it very healing) I think this sense of ritual creates a bridge for our children, from the seen to the unseen. SO be creative and find a way of tying it all together.
Another thing to create a bridge is to take part in something life giving. Plant a garden, visit a farm with baby animals, go for a nature walk and see the offerings of spring, start a new activity, Take part in something life giving and enjoy it together.
Often, as we grieve it is natural to hold ourselves back, it’s to protect ourselves from hurt and hold us in a place of healing. But sometimes our children can be part of the process too. She may be wanting to understand more of what’s happening so she can meet you there, to be part of your process. You don’t want her oblivious to the issue, but meet her half way. Death is part of life, we miss those who go before us, but they are always around in love. Take part in the love, play, explore and be in the moment with your daughter. She will soon shift focus from the issue, only taking more part in the missing, and you will heal with the joy you have in the moment with her.
I hope this helps a bit. Please let me know if I can help in any other way or get into further detail.
Be well and thrive.

Mother dealing with telling her 2.5 daughter about grandfather's death

I very much enjoy and feel inspired by your posts and hope this finds you well. I'm struggling with the recent sudden death of my dad and more so in explaining where papa is to my bright wonderful 2-year old (25 months) daughter. She asks if he is in the hospital, ambulance, his house, car, cafe and today asked if he was far away. I am trying not to fill her with concepts of heaven and angels that I fear may later invite religious and other limitations but instead have been responding each time to what comes up without saying anything untrue for momentary ease (I.e. avoiding saying he's away for a while or in hospital etc. I want her to be open to what I hope - that he is still with us but in a different way to before and that although we can’t go and visit him in the same way as before, we might still see, hear and feel him and have been trying to say this to her but not sure she understands. I also don't want her to think the rest of her close family could just disappear like he did (even though I know now the brutal truth that we can). It is all desperately heartbreakingly difficult at this time and I would appreciate any suggestions at all that you may have (perhaps you have experience of this?) whenever you find a moment to share.


I am so sorry to hear about your sudden loss. I know this must be a painful time for you and I commend you on your focus being on making your father’s transition easier for your young daughter.
First, what you want your daughter to see death as is completely right. We are all positive beings of energy and these bodies simply are the form we take momentarily. There is no doubt in my mind that your father is still with you, simply in a different form. There is always comfort in knowing that when you think of him you call him forth, when you need him he is there. He was simply ready to see life from a different perspective.
By you seeing his passing like this you are actually passing it on to your child by example. I get the feeling that she is in fact sensing it and at her young age she will have a deeper understanding of it then she will be able to form into words.
Although our family hasn’t yet experienced the death of a family member our children have had death around them in various forms all their lives. We live on a farm and with that death becomes a part of life, mirrored by birth. My daughter also experienced a friend of ours, whom she was very close to, suddenly die. Our conversations regarding death have developed as our children have grown, and of course you are right to say that when we talk about death the evitable comes to our children’s minds: if it can happen to them, who else can it happen to? However, we are co-creators and your father’s passing and your daughter’s understanding of it, will launch you all to new places.
I find that at a young age the best approach is the simple and honest one. When our three year old son asks about any of our animals or friends’ passing I simply say “Their bodies stopped working so they had to leave them. But they are always around.” Usually it seems to just be accepted and only asked to go further when they are a little older, but when more questions are asked I suggest they close their eyes and imagine the person/animal with them, reassuring that when we think of them we can feel them and interact with them. That they are always with us.
Saying that, your daughter will also sense you’re grieving and that’s alright to be honest about too. It’s alright to miss the physical side of someone and to tell our children that is why we’re upset. It’s alright for them to feel sad too, which for us as parents is a hard pill to swallow.
Going back to your point that she might fear losing other people too, it’s a valid one and I won’t tell you it might lead to some reaction. When death struck close to our home when our son was only 18 months he needed to sleep in our bed for sometime and the few months that followed he seemed more attached. However, the fear of losing our family members always dawns on a child at sometime, and has to be dealt with. Simply reassure her that you aren’t planning on going anywhere at anytime soon. Tell her that you are with her and always will be. Hold her tight, carry her often and soon it will pass as a fearful thing. You will also find that spending extra time with her, enjoying her discoveries, distracting both of you with new games and wonders will make the healing process go easier.
Something that I feel is important is the ritual of death. Having done it for some of our deaths and not for others I realize that we healed from the ones we had rituals for easier than the others. This doesn’t have to be in the form of a funeral, which of course is traumatic for anyone, rather a personal ritual. This can come in the form of planting a tree in memory of the person, creating something for them, or even encouraging your daughter to draw pictures for her grandpa. My daughter, when our friend passed, drew a picture and then we planted it amongst some flowers as a way of giving it to her. A friend of mine has her son write letters in the sand. Acknowledging the person who has passed in this way creates a natural flow of understanding that they are still around.
Follow your instincts, and don’t worry that you will do harm. It is a hard time for you as well and your daughter will sense that. Talk about it, but then find some form of new life to distract yourself and your daughter will. Walk unfamiliar paths, learn about something new together, plant seedlings, get busy and enjoy each other’s company. For death is always the mirror of new birth and in taking part in life, understanding of the opposite comes naturally.

visiting grandmother stressing house out

Your posts having been coming to mind frequently lately, as my mother has come to stay with us temporarily and the stress level as we all make this transition has been unusually high. My 3 y/o son's behavior has often been hyper, distracted, aggressive, "defiant," etc., ...generally "off" and I can tell he's really not his usual grounded self. I've particularly wondered about how to know when to follow his lead and when to be more directive about how we respond to a stressful moment. I realize that might be a rather vague question to raise, but if you have any particular thoughts on the matter, I'd be interested in hearing them. Again, many thanks for sharing your insights and inspirations.

First, I find that the first thing that disconnects our children is the dichotomy shift and how they are suddenly perceived. If usually your son has a routine, but also gets a lot of time being talked with, being listened too and has a voice in the household, often when guests come, especially family who we sit and chat to, our focus shifts and our children can’t get a word in. On top of that, for some reason when we are around our families our children can fall into being “the children”. Our parents are often from a generation that sees them as that. Therefore, suddenly they are expected to act in a certain way, like things that “children” like, sit quietly while the “adults” talk and basically they feel like the world has caved in. The rhythm of the house has been disturbed, and like I said in my post tonight, they won’t know it’s not forever. It’s easy to get disconnected over it, and easy to understand why he might start acting unlike himself.
Another thing that adds to it, is as he feels your stress, he might want to try to help connect you. He might try to convince you that he knows what you should do to feel better, which might be as simple as playing a game he wants to play, or checking something out with him, rather than talking to your family or dealing with life. He may be finding it frustrating that he can’t fix the house’s feeling state.
It’s not as dire as it may sound. It just takes being a little creative.
See if you can find some connection time with him. Every mother accepts the fact that we need to do some things with our children, such as bath time or bed time. Stretch them out a bit. You’ve got a great excuse with the holidays being over, you can say you want a bit more “routine” (another word most mothers understand) and then take that time with the door shut to spend time with your boy. Read stories, play a quiet game, talk, connect. Make him laugh, find out if he’s ok, talk to him about your mom and how she is YOUR mom, which he may find an interesting thought. Tell stories about growing up, tell him that soon things will be back to normal, but that since she’s your mom, you love her and it’s important to make the home feel pretty for her, to make it full of love. Make your time with him, connection time. You can even start a little bit of meditation with him, or appreciation lists, by just sitting quietly, in front of a candle, or just focus on both of you breathing. He’ll appreciate it if you point out how things have been stressed (or I like to say fast with my 3 year old) and you want to feel better.
You’ll find that by taking the time to de-stress and play with your boy, you will feel better too, and as you connect with his inner self you’ll see more opportunities to involve him in the day.
In the day, when you can’t involve him see if you can set him up with some distracted activity so he doesn’t get caught up in any stress of the house. Set up Playdough, art, a new truck, a cardboard box, plan it even the night before, to start him on a journey, will help him feel better and connect to his true essence.
One last thing, before bed, try to take some YOU time. Breathe deeply, focusing on each breath, appreciate little things and find the connection spot where you feel truest to yourself. Relax and let the situation flow. It’s alright for us and our children to have challenging situations, in fact it may be its just what we all need to grow and expand the way they wish and it defines more what we want and what we don’t. Allow it to flow as it should and you will find each day is easier to deal with any stress that comes your way.
Be well, happy and thrive and I’d love to hear how things progress.

Grandmother fears for her 3 year old grandson's home situation

Hello, My 21 year old daughter has a beautiful 3 year old son that she leaves with her boyfriend of 2 years, off and on, ( not the father) while she works full time. They do not live together (yet. Have talked about moving in together soon.) the boyfriend lives at home with his parents. My grandson has recently started crying whenever my daughter says they are going to the bf's house and says he doesn't like him. My daughter just ignores his cry and argues that they get along fine. However, I have witnessed on several occasions the bf being rude, bossy, demanding and very strict with my grandson. I've never seen him play with my grandson, or show him any affection, praise, or patience. The bf has even openly admitted that he doesn't have the patience to watch over S. (3 year old grandson.) Tonight I had to tell the bf to leave my home when he began yelling at S to stop crying and then began saying unprovoked, disrespectful things to me. I am in fear for my grandsons well being, safety, and health. And this is not just because of the bf's behavior this evening. My daughter has recently started denying S healthy snacks in the evening when he is hungry, saying that some doctor says its not good for him to eat hours before bed. Yet, S has no weight issues or any other health reasons for this restriction. She has also become very impatient with him and has even referred to S's behavior as being bratty and calls him her little brat! I've asked her not to do this and explained the harm that it causes, but she still does it and demands that I say out of her parenting her child. I am not able to watch over S while my daughter works, as I am also a single parent of two boys. One with a disability and on going issues with failed public school programs and placement. As well, once the school problems are resolved, I have to find work to support myself and the boys, as I receive no financial support from their father for the last 12 years. (Long court battles and no solutions provided so far.) and my daughter can not afford to pay for child care and has lost all funding from the state to cover child care costs. As well, I had to sign a contract that states my daughter would not be living with me past the age of 18, so that I could get help from the state, to pay my monthly rent. To top it all off, my daughter is now pregnant by the bf and is afraid if she ends the pregnancy the bf will no longer help her or even talk to her. She depends on him for financial help (thought very little), baby sitting, and has her car registered in his name because she can't pay off her tickets to get her license back. As of last week, he is helping her move in a studio where he is friends with the landlord. I understand that these are her problems, but her choices are now affecting my grandson and endangering him too. She is not open to listening to anything I have to say and admits she is not happy and that the bf is not a very nice person at all, but then says she has no choice because he is her only help. What can I do? I can't just turn my back knowing my grandson is being mentally, emotionally abused. Yet I can't help in any way financially, or otherwise to take care of my grandson either. S’s father lives at a rehab and does not take part in S’s life, by choice. It’s very heartbreaking. And again, my daughter will not listen to her own baby who tells her the bf is mean to him and to please not make him stay with him! It makes me sick inside!

When life gets as sticky as it seems to be with you and your family right now it can feel like there is no choices, no movement and it literally is being between a rock and a hard place. I can literally feel the stress come from each turn as I read your email, and quite honestly I sense it from your daughter as well. It must feel so hopeless to her to be in a loveless relationship, pregnant and worried about losing the financial support of her boyfriend. Through in the upset of her 3 year old boy, and also the upset of yourself, and she is in a hard place indeed. It seems like everyone is in a panic.
It is clear that the situation between your daughter’s boyfriend and your grandson has come to a head and can’t continue as its going. As a grandmother you have very little room legally, especially if you can’t manage to take care of him, and it sounds like your daughter is closing her eyes to the whole thing, probably because she’s scared what it means. Criticizing the boyfriend is just going to make things worse as it pushes her in a corner. She needs options. Personally, I would be on the look out for charitable neighbors or friends who could help a couple days a week once they know the issue or start asking around daycares (churches or other religious institutions may have solutions too once they know his immediate need), anyone who can offer your grandson a couple of hours reprieve a few times a week. It doesn’t have to be a complete solution, just lightening the load of the boyfriend by a few days, maybe adding an afternoon or two by you.
We can’t change people, no matter how much we wish we could sometimes, and we can’t make their choices for them. The only choice we ever have is to be the best version of ourselves we can be and to offer others the chance to be the best they can be. You stand as the grandmother, a position that I can tell you take seriously and passionately. Your grandson is very lucky to have you as an advocate. At the same time you are a mother, and your daughter is still young. Therefore, on an emotional and energy level, you have a strong position. You can offer change, but it’s best done on an energy, feeling space level, which will then effect the whole picture.
Perspective is a strange thing, for what and who we are around can convince us that we only have certain choices, and when those run out, we can see a situation as hopeless. Also, when we see people and know them by the actions they present to us, we hold them to that concept of themselves, we see them in their worst light, and then they have no space to rise to if they want to improve. I like Abraham Hicks’ analogy comparing it to a high school reunion, people always see us as who we were and when we are seen in that light, we feel we have to act the same as we were, rather than the newest version of ourselves.
I would suggest that the situation can be helped by shifting the feeling of the whole thing. It seems like you would like to be able to take care of your grandson, but it doesn’t have to be that drastic. It sounds like you still see him quite often. Therefore, rather than putting the focus on what your daughter is saying or doing, or her boyfriend, shift from the problem and look at your grandson as himself, as a three year old. He needs feeding love and that’s what you can give him. Encourage him, notice him, take part in his world. Play with him, no matter how much the adults want to talk, make your home a place of laughter and wonder that he can relax into whenever, no matter how infrequently, he walks through the doors. Be the grandma that “gets” him. He chose his parents and his situation. Before he was born he knew his life would start just as it has. The danger comes when he grows up thinking that’s all there is. By having you he has the two sides of the coin and can decide how he wants to be. Be the light, be the listener, talk to him about his time at your daughter’s boyfriends, offer support, tell him you’re waiting to see what you can do, but right now you don’t know the right answer. Remind him that you love his mother very much and that times are really rough right now. Be his trustful confidant. By seeing the best in him, by taking joy in his company, the energy will start to shift, and your daughter may start to see him through your eyes, rather than through the eyes of her boyfriend’s. You will be acting the change. It may even influence her boyfriend as well. It will also provide your grandson with a balance, seeing a different version of himself.
Another thing you could do is open up the problem to a higher power. As you know my advice is centred in Spiritually Aware Parenting. With that comes the understanding that there is deeper mechanics working in everyday life, and when we shift our focus, asking for help and then releasing the outcome, new options come. When we have problems, it’s so easy to let that become the focus, but each problem has a solution on its flipside. When we stop spinning around the problem and release it to whatever we perceive a higher power to be, we allow the solution to flow in. Therefore, take a moment to stop, sit quietly, focus on your breathing, appreciate what you have and those in you love, ponder on the little things that give you joy. When you feel better, when you feel true, relax and offer the problem up. You can write it down, or simply state it to yourself, even if it’s vague. “I would like my grandson to have a joyful home life.” Or “I wish my daughter would find happier solutions.” Whatever feels right to you. Then trust. I have experienced answers incredibly quickly, solutions literally appearing out of nowhere overnight. You never know what will happen, and what will help. Just asking, and then trusting it will flow in, starts to shift situations to better feeling options. Just say yes when they show up, for you never know where they will lead.
Life is ever flowing and things can change quickly. It is a question of being true to ourselves and following our gut instincts to things. If something feels off then admit it and try to find a feeling better option. But if something feels right, even if logically it doesn’t add up, then sometimes we have to take the plunge and see where it leads. Remind your daughter that she is worthy of great love and happiness. Encourage her, knowing that she is in a rough spot and must be scared. Her boyfriend must be overwhelmed as well and it sounds like he is trying to voice his concerns.... just badly.