5 year old has tantrums when refused what she wants

Hi firstly i would like to say that i absolutely love your fb page I follow u daily and u bring me such Inspiration.
Right now I’m having major trouble with my 5 year old daughter she having the most amazing tantrums that if she can’t have something there and then she will scream and shout until she gets what she wants and i can’t seem to get it through to her that she can’t always have what she wants when she wants. Other to this she is well connected and an absolute beautiful and joy to be a part of her life. I’m at wits end as how i can approach this as I’ve tried everything to try and help her get through this. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

The age 5, like 3 was before, is such a difficult age to be. At that age we have all these opinions, all of these discoveries and questions and yet somewhere along the line people start to look at us differently. Whereas a toddler can be excused anything because they’re a toddler, and a 3 year old starts to get asked to do things but can still be “cute” and make people smile, getting away with things with a bit of charm, a 5-6 year old is suddenly facing the issue of growing up. It’s an age of awakening and it can be scary, unsettling and send a child into a hectic frenzy to make sense of it all. On top of all of that at 5 a child is usually starting school and there they are often a number, having to stick to a routine and follow the rules. There’s not a lot of space in a 5 year old’s life now to express their thoughts, their opinions, or even catch up to their own life story.
If your daughter is flipping out every time she can’t get her own way, it suggests that she doesn’t feel heard, that it is a battle to get what she wants and cute tricks aren’t going to work so she wants to force it. We all feel this way sometimes, let’s admit it. Many an adult has wanted to scream and shout when things aren’t going the way that we feel would suit us best.
I have a few suggestions.
First, try not to say no to her unless you have a good reason to say no. Often we say no and have to come up with an excuse to back up the no in the first place. Children sense this and it rings out as injustice. Allow conversations to build and take the time to hear her reasoning out. Often our children have good reasons for what they want, and even if its little things like needing extra time before bed to finish a game, when we give it to them they sense the fairness of the house. They then, in turn, understand why they need to be fair, so the system works. By shifting to a dialogue system of fair living, rather than her feeling like she’s always told what to do, and when to do it, she will feel free to start talking about her wants, rather than having to scream them to be heard.
When you talk about her tantrums do it when she’s not in one. You can do so in round about ways like if you see someone on tv screaming, or see a small child having a tantrum at the store. You can open up the conversation about how you never want to give things to people who scream at you, you never really hear them. Point out how you love it when she talks lovely and how nice it is to talk with her. If you feel like the direct approach is more you, do so with understanding at a time when you are having some downtime and when it feels right. You can ask her how she was feeling when it was going on, and tell her how it made you feel helpless and didn’t know what to do. Try not to imply that She MADE you feel bad, rather tell her your reasons for saying no and then say you felt trapped because you love to give her what she wants, but it felt wrong to do so. Ask her to talk to you about things she wants and make a deal to work as a team, where you are both fairly treated by each other.
If, even if you’ve given your reasons for saying no, and you’ve talked about things openly and fairly, she continues to have tantrums you can start passing on the golden rule. Ask her if you scream and shout at her when you want her to do something? Does she want you to? What sort of house would it be? (Are her friends shouting for what they want?) Tell her that you are ready to listen when she wants to talk, tell her you love her and you are there for her. If she’s open for a hug then give one, as her disconnection must be paining her, if she’s not ready for a hug sit quietly and wait for her to come to you, breathing deeply, focusing on love and compassion within yourself and changing the energy of the room for her. Often when our children create a negative scene it fills the house up with so much frustration we react to it. When we refocus the feeling space of the home it can breathe again and our children can connect again and work things out with us. If she asks what you are doing be honest and tell her.
Since this is the age of awakening, when she flips out and feels bad for not getting something simple, you can always ask her if she really wants to feel bad over a thing? I find that when I empower my children to see how they feel as a choice they can take a step back and choose. I usually go through thoughts that could help them feel better, such as appreciating the things they already have, or thinking about things they love to do or play.
Lastly, in this hectic time of your daughter’s life as she grapples with new ideas and expectations take some time and just play with her. Give her some time to be little again, with cuddles at night, or a good pillow fight. Try some calming activities together, such as yoga (there’s great books or YOGA PRETZEL activity cards on amazon), coloring, or taking walks. Start her noticing how she feels inside by offering contrasting situations. Playing frantically followed by sitting quietly with candles, fast kids shows on tv to peaceful music. Start taking some quiet time together before bed to connect and feel a different vibration than the frantic day to day activities.
I hope this helps and I would love to hear how it progresses. Your daughter sounds like a strong minded young woman, with strong ideas and an independent spirit. She just needs to know how to direct her power and to use it to feel good. She’s just the age to start learning.

3 year old challenging parents, discipline doesn't work.

Hello i am a first time mother. I have a 3 1/2 yr.old son who is going through let's see how much we can test mommy & daddy stage. He constantly says no to everything you ask him to do. Time out's, taking away of the toys, etc. does not work at all with him. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

3 years old and the year that follows are momentous for our children, and often challenging for us as parents! It is this time that our children go from being babies to full blown people, with their own thoughts, opinions and decided upon wants, that have been decided upon over the past few years of observing what’s around them. They have explored, pondered and questioned and quite frankly we’ve answered most of the questions about what’s around them. By three they are eager to explore new territory, and if we don’t spark new interest, new challenges, they just turn off and disconnect from their true nature. Also, as they look for new challenges, suddenly we feel like we’re on a battle ground of their will vs. ours and we start to refuse them a lot more rather than encouraging their explorations as we did when they were younger.
It’s a time when we as parents start to introduce how we work as a family. Often it comes in the form of control, (“we’re the parents, you’re the kid, you have to do as we say or suffer the consequences”) It can work for a time, but it wears thin as they become more determined to have their say and we have to try to maintain control. However, it’s the hierarchy that we have in our minds, because it’s the way it’s always been. What I like to encourage in a family is a team effort, a little bit of give, a little bit of take and everyone trying to be considerate to each other. It takes some time to establish, and even to form in our own mindset so don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Life, especially parenting, is a journey with the outcome sometimes unclear.
Saying that, your son may be saying no all the time because he feels that’s what’s done. In order to reset the household a little, try a day of YES. As much as possible set some time aside where he can do as he wants, or at least safe versions of it. If he wants to play cars, get on the floor and play with him, ask him what he wants for lunch, what he wants to wear. Give him what you want to be given. Then if you need something, rather than telling him to do it, tell him about it, why you need it, why it works, and what the benefit is to it getting done. Point out the things that everyone does in the family, such as brushing teeth, bathing etc, when you need him to do things that everyone else does. I find that with our 3 year old he loves to do the things his dad does as he feels bigger that way, so building on that note, see if Dad can ask him for help sometimes, or explain things to him. (My husband is often asked by me these days “Can you talk to him about this and this and why it’s dangerous... etc” and off they go for a guy to guy talk.)
3 years old is also a great time to talk about emotions, and how your boy is feeling. I’m just in the middle of writing my next book, and in it I suggest doing art projects with a 3-4 year old talking about how they feel. For 3-4 year olds frustration is the key negative emotion, as they are ready to try new things but get upset when they don’t nail it right away. So talking with them about what makes them feel good, what makes them feel bad, and that tight hurt inside that’s frustration helps them express what they are feeling. I like to get them to draw emotion, just with colors on paper, imagining how they feel and then drawing how they feel. It helps with the talking.
I also find that night time is a good check in point. Before bed it helps to ask them questions about anything they are thinking about, are worried about, things that upset them, things that feel good. Night time can get so rushed, but if a child is listened to at night, and considered then in the morning they feel like they can connect at that level too.
Communication is so important on this next stage of the journey. I try never to say no unless I can find a true reason. When I started on this path with our two girls, I would say no and then look for the reason why they couldn’t do something. It was silly. It feels better to say yes, unless you can say, “no... because”. A child is always wondering why and when we explain everything and take the time to tell them how things work, they respect our no’s more. Sometimes it means being really blunt, “honey, I’m sorry you can’t use the knife until you have bigger hands, I love your fingers so much and this knife could cut them off.” Following up with something they can do “here, can you stir this with this spoon instead.” Usually gives room to grow and learn.
One last thing. In this dawning of your son’s new interest in being involved, involve him more. If you’re washing dishes, let him wash some in a different pot, if you vacuum let him have a try, he might be good at it, and then he’ll get fed up. He can help carry, he can help move things, he can help. I am forever amazed at the capacity of understanding and ability our 3.5 year old has and at the sparkle in his eyes when we take his ideas and suggestions seriously.
Listen, communicate, have fun and create a team effort. By being what you want to see in him, you offer him the template for how to be and he’ll see it works well as a family affair.

Mother is being advised to have authority over 2.5 year old son.

Dear Christina, I read daily your posts on FB and I appreciate them a lot…They correspond to my parenting philosophy. Unfortunately lately I have some problems at home, so I think asking your advice on what I’m living… I have 2 little boys. One 2 ½ years old and the other is just 3 month old. To describe them, one (the older) is a full energy little man and the other one is quiet and calm. They are both open to world, curious and smiley. Our parenting philosophy is much based on love, attention, listening and non punishment. But…In the last months, maybe because of the pregnancy, maybe because of the arrival of the brother, maybe because of the age (the terrible two) or maybe because of our “liberal” education style (the nanny says we don’t have much authority on him…), the older one is definitely more agitated and keeping calm is pretty difficult for us. He provokes us nonstop, moves constantly and never, never listens to us. It gets really difficult for us to enjoy time with him. Unfortunately we are also changing our way of acting. We have started shouting, punishing and I have to admit, even if I’m not proud of it, to spank him…As a result he shouts back and he gets even more difficult… 4 days the week for 5/6h hours the day, he goes to the nanny, where he spends time with other children his age and has lots of activity. Apparently with the nanny he is the same sweet and nice boy. I feel lost because I don’t want to build this kind of conflict relationship with my boy. (I have this kind of relationship with my mother and I know how much pain there is behind) But I don’t know what to do. I have been meeting a psychology and she says I should gain more authority. She agrees that spanking is not a solution, and suggests me to adopt bad looks and stern voice when he is naughty and close him in his room…So I’m applying her suggestions, but I’m not sure that this is the right solution… I feel his loneliness and his sadness when we argue. I perceive his feelings of not being understood…but in the same time it is difficult to handle him in this way. I’m tired and exhausted. I’m afraid of doing mistakes, to hurt him, to be a bad mother…And I love him so much…. What to do to recreate harmony?

I’m so glad you wrote to me. Let’s see if I can help.
First, your little boy sounds wonderful. He sounds energetic, alive, full of emotion and able to feel them to the fullest. I noticed you say he can’t sit still, I have one like that, in many ways I see it as feeling their emotional state so much that it literally physicalizes, which for me is fascinating. Children who feel strongly and so fully are great teachers, and can develop a deep understanding of spiritual things. I also find they can shift direction quickly and go from feeling off to on in a blink of an eye. It just takes getting it to click. It sounds like that what both you and your son are looking for. That connection point where it clicks, where you see your boy in front of you again and he feels safe and secure in himself again.
It’s interesting how everyone is advising you to form a position of more authority. It is the easy, quick fix solution, but I sense in you that if feels off. No matter what, you have to stay true to your instincts, your inner gut feeling and does what feels most yourself. Parenting can be a rough road, but when our children grow up its best to be able to stand high and say we stayed true to ourselves.
Now first, I’m going to go a different route than I normally do. Although it sounds like your son is having a spiritual time of it, I would like to suggest a physical one for you to try on. I suggest it because my daughter, who is full of energy and life much like your son is really effected by it, and it unbalances her. I would look into his diet and make sure he’s not having any food colorings or high sugar, as I notice in our children this challenges their connection. They can be connected while on artificial foods, but its a huge effort and if they are already disconnected it can push them over the edge. Like your son, they won’t be able to sit still, they won’t hear us (not even won’t listen they literally don’t hear us) and they get agitated easily. Provided we feed them plenty of leafy green vegetables, (when they were younger we’d blend them into their food or sprinkle dry ones into sauces) and they drink water not sugary drinks, they can have their on and off moments be true and not effected by outside influences.
Alright, with that said, onto the spiritual side,which is always so much deeper and rings more true.
You are right in the idea that probably your little boy is jealous of your new baby. There he was the centre of your parenting focus and suddenly someone else is there. He cries and he gets attention and seen to, and your little boy is of the age where its ok to wait a few minutes. It upsets me that your psychologist has told you to be stern to him. It makes sense that seeing you with a baby is going to stir up negative emotions in you, in fact he may be mad at you and feel you are unfair (even though you probably aren’t). He is experiencing disconnection because of what he sees and as you said, he feels alone, left out, and not understood.
You should be proud of yourself for feeling his emotions as you do. That is an indicator of being connected to our children, when we can feel how our children feel, and see the world through their eyes.
On top of his jealousy, leaving the home to go to a nanny is probably upsetting him to a point, as he doesn’t know if its just about you spending more time with the baby that has taken his place. I don’t know if he went before the baby was born, but even still, he leaves you alone with the baby when he goes and it probably cements the thought process going off in his lovely head.
My first suggestion is take some one on one time with him. If he doesn’t want to connect with you start a game on your own. Put on some fun music and dance, it will change the feeling of the home, you can be wearing the baby in a sling or carrier, or have him asleep, and then invite your boy to dance with you. Act silly, pull faces, try to make him laugh. Do head shoulders, knees and toes or some other action game. Get active with him. If he can’t sit still and won’t listen, its a form of play that might engage him. If you want calm, set up a time every night where its just you and him (and your partner) all sitting on the couch watching one of your son’s favorite shows, or a new one. Try to make it a calm, nice energy. Type up the old Paddington bears on Youtube, the ones from the 1970s, or Postman Pat, try Mr. Rogers. The great thing about shows like them is that they have elements the parents can enjoy as well, so it doesn’t feel like we’re just watching for our kids, its a group activity for everyone to enjoy. If he’s not listening, don’t bother talking. Create a fun element, at least once a day. Get him helping with baking, sweeping, or just make sure you play with him when he’s in the bath.
A 2.5 year old, in general terms, have a mission. They have explored the world around them to a point, and they understand it to a point. They are looking for the new exploration and they don’t know where to find it. When we keep them in the same routine with the same games etc, they get frustrated, as they crave more, but don’t know where to turn. Your son may be “behaving” at his nanny’s because a nanny’s job is to create a fun environment. They go on outings, they do crafts, they play music. They play and they keep it fresh. Try finding a new exploration when you play with your son. Get some new toys, go to a new park, take him to a zoo. Get crafty and show him how to glue, or make cars go down ramps. Get outside, show him nature, draw his attention to things to notice. Help him push through the blockage. He might resist it for a bit, but soon, if he senses you have fun in his presence, and you are engaging with him, he’ll start to shift to a state of connection.
Lastly, its important to not see him in his new light. As you know, this isn’t him, this is his reaction to the chaos his life has made him feel right now. Do your loving work when he’s not feeling off. Even if it means going into his bedroom at night, sitting beside him and just loving him, just looking at him and letting your heart lift, he’ll sense it and feel better for it. Take moments in the day to praise him, to hug him randomly, to smile at him. Send him love when he’s at his nanny’s, keeping him in your thoughts. Love, love, love him, with all of your might. Stern looks, and putting him in his room, is like shutting the love off, where really he doesn’t need to feel like he has to earn your love back.
If he acts out, then stop, breathe, look at him and ask him why he feels sad. Ask him if he needs a hug. Tell him if he screams, or is mad it makes the house feel bad, so how can you together make it happy. Then distract, distract, distract. Find a new exploration, mention a bird outside, pull a funny face. Find a way to connect to who you know he is, rather than who is presenting to you.
Its hard sometimes, and yes you are allowed to feel off, overwhelmed and like banging your head against a wall. This is a crazy time of transition for you as well, so let it be that. But trust me, when you start the wheel of love going, of laughter, of fun, it builds, each day gets better, its universal law.
Trust in your connection with your boy. He chose you, and when he did I’m sure he knew his brother would come at some point, he chose you so you could both go through this together and figure it out, together.

Mother asks how to stop defiant behaviour peacefully.

How can you get them to go to bed? How do you get them to stop screaming in your face w defiance? How do you NOT be the lion tamer when you have little crazy lions? I know I know - never get mad, never get frustrated, never swat, never yell, always breathe and speak softly. Well.... I'm trying.

I don’t say this a lot on here, but really, where do we get the idea that we can’t get mad or frustrated? Yes, I always say find the feeling better space and no we can’t hit our children, but our negative emotions are JUST as important as our positive ones. Sometimes, more important. Yes, children can make us feel mad or frustrated... so can partners, bankers, strangers and traffic lights. When they do... they don’t mean to. Rather it is within us giving us a sign that we’re reacting or seeing things from a place that isn’t from us. It does no good to block the emotion and pretend its not real. It’s very real and needs taming too. Parenting is a hands on spiritual experience as when we feel these things, even if we bottle them up, our children sense them and react to them... or at least offer more behaviour to back the feeling up. Therefore we have to change the feeling space that we live in, and they do to. Have you ever noticed that when you are feeling great then your children can play loudly, but when you feel off the noise can drive you crazy? Or when you are on they can ask questions that engage you and stay up late talking, but when you have a million things stressing you out or are super tired the same thing will have you climbing the walls?
We have to allow ourselves the off time, and we have to allow our children to know we’re feeling frustrated or mad. The trick is not to blame them for that. “I’m feeling mad inside” vs “You make me so mad!” Then they will see themselves in the same light and learn from you to experience all their emotions. We aren’t lion tamers... just bigger lions. Therefore honesty is in order. Depending on the age, explanations work, but even my three year old understands “you have to go to bed because your body needs more sleep than mine, so you can get big like Dad.” Followed by a “I’ll talk to you about tractors while we settle down, or I’ll tell your favorite story” Usually gets him up there and I get to have fun too if I’m not anxious that he won’t get there fast enough. Sometimes he might have something he has to do first. I like to be respected for my needs so I’ll let him have 5 minutes to do a bit of it. Screaming in your face? I usually reply “Would you like me to do that to you?” They usually say no. And then, when they talk the way I think they want to be talked to then I make sure I listen.
It’s a journey, a journey about ourselves as well as about them. For often when we feel negative emotions, they are just letting us know we don’t like the situation, but we can jazz it up, change the pace, make them laugh, make us laugh. It doesn’t have to be all about calm and peaceful. Little lions are sometimes trying to remind us that there is fun to be had and we sometimes get better response when we give them that one and jump in.

2 year old no longer being "gentle and loving"

I have lost what was a very gentle loving 2 yr old and has been replaced with a screaming strung out little girl , she shouts alot, hits ,bites the sofa ,spits,throws her food across the table and so much more how can I re balance her and calm her ways?

2 years old is a difficult age as they have observed and experienced quite a bit and want to take life up a notch, but its frustrating for them as they just don’t know how to. Although its often known as a “no” stage, it can sometimes come from us saying “no” almost as often as them, as they experiment and explore on a totally different level, resulting in things they just can’t do. Therefore a cycle of frustration can be created, which is like a ball of energy bouncing between us and our children. Since it is coming from a place where for 2 years we’ve been their safety net, their grounding place and security in being, it can be a shock when we start to say no more frequently, so more of the behavior we are saying no to is given.
Her behaviour is a reaction to her new position . She’s feeling disconnected from who she knows she is and then by presenting off behaviour , you in turn see her differently and she feels less like herself. So, like you ask, how to find rebalance and help her connect? You don’t have to calm her ways, that will happen when she’s connected and feeling herself again.
I wish I knew more about her. For instance, is she talking? How is her comprehension? Does she appear like she wants to be treated older? I know by 2, our eldest girl was eager to be seen as a member of the household. She wanted to help around the place, she would talk about what to have for dinner, and make choices about what she wanted to wear and what story she wanted read to her. She begged for feeling empowered and to help make decisions about things that effected her. This way really important on helping with her connection. If she felt powerless, she felt disconnected and less like herself. To this day, 8 years later, she is responsible and likes to help out with decisions. She’s a great leader with friends and family as well. Don’t be afraid to ask your daughter what she wants, needs or likes. She might be trying to get your attention.
As we are positive beings at our core, connection comes when we feel happy and joyful. What I would suggest is to set aside sometime to live in your daughter’s world. Take the phone off the hook, turn off the computer and get down on the floor with her. Play a puzzle together, play dolls together, see what interests her and take her lead. Let her show you how to play her way. Talk about things with her, even if she’s just listening. Put on music and dance, letting her choose her own way of dancing.
Also, its an exciting time as she is looking for new explorations. At 2 she’s probably getting fed up and she might need to have wonders brought to her attention. So point out birds flying past, cows in a field, or even rainbows made by a glass. Get her to help with small jobs, watering plants, sweeping up, pulling the plug out of the bathtub. She’ll feel more part of the action and it offers things to talk to her about, for she might want to understand why you are doing what you are doing. I’m a big one for the art of distraction, if she offers negative behaviour, don’t let her set the tone for how you feel. Simply set the calm feeling space and ask if she would like to help you, if she needs a hug, if she’s hungry, or downright look outside and notice something and ask her if she would like to check it out. She will want to feel better! We always want to feel better. If you can find her something to shift her focus to, then she will jump on board, unless what’s bothering her is really that more important.
This is one of the hardest times of year for our children. Suddenly the feeling of everywhere shifts as Christmas approaches and people act differently. For a 2 year old its really confusing, so they react badly. I always try to avoid talking too much about Christmas, as it makes it too big of deal about something they don’t understand. (I always find children flip out a lot more as of November, merely the sight of santa in stores makes them feel off). Try to keep her focus on things in front of her. By two you can even start making lists of appreciation with her before bed as a part of the bedtime ritual. (This can even be done as “Thank you’s” depending on your belief structure, or “I love” lists if you’d like a more universal approach). Drawing simple attention to the good things in her life reminds her they are there, and will shift the energy.
One last thing. Often it is us who set the tone for the house and when we see something in our children that throws us off we have to find the connection within ourselves first, to provide the example, action rather than reaction and a sense of security in a crazy world. Take sometime to shift focus away from your daughter’s behaviour. See her as the sweet, gentle girl, you know her to be,even if you have to do it away from her. Take some time to appreciate things in your life, to spend sometime in your inner world and create the calm energy you wish for her, within yourself. Even if it means taking a few moments before bed. When we find our own connection,and then offer up an issue we are having, we can shift perspective and see the solution, once we’ve stopped looking directly in the problem.

Peaceful Parent has demanding daughter

I want to be a peaceful parent, but lately it feels like I’m more just a weak one. My 2.5 year old daughter has become really demanding, and where I thought I was being understanding now I just seem to give in to everything she asks. If I don’t give in, she just throws a fit, so I try to understand how she feels, and hug her, but she just gets mad at me. What am I doing wrong?

Good for you for sparking the desire to be a peaceful parent, it’s a wonderful journey. There’s one thing that’s important to remember, that is that in order to be a peaceful parent, or person, you have to feel it. If you’re feeling weak, than something is off. That’s fine, its good really, because when something suddenly feels off, it means we can shift perspective and stir things up a bit.
What is your perspective of your daughter? Often when a child is acting off, or in ways that make us want to cry, we form a new view of them and we see that behaviour in everything they do, rather than every once and a while. However, the truth is that our children have come here as pure, positive beings and when they aren’t jiving, when they aren’t feeling themselves, then they act out from the shear pain of it. They haven’t yet been conditioned to simply grin and bear it. They simply can’t hid their frustration and upset from not feeling themselves. So before dealing with how to not give in to her demands, the question becomes where are her demands coming from? She’s feeling off and she’s looking for things that will make her feel on again. When she isn’t getting what she thinks will make her feel better , than she’s mad at you because you won’t help her get on.
At 2.5 to 3 there is so much that goes on. A child is learning about how the world works and interpreting it for how they feel about it, what they like, what they don’t like and how to move forward and grow more. Things like walking and talking are no longer challenges, they’ve lost interest in their toys and their old games, they long for a new adventure. However, they are also old enough to start learning about consideration and taking care of others so I suggest this.
First find a grounded place within, focusing on whatever makes you jive. Appreciate the simple things, focus on things that make you feel better, watch a funny movie, stare at the stars, whatever makes you sink into wellbeing. Then offer up the image of a day with your daughter where you play, you laugh together and all is well. Then watch for opportunities the next day.
Set aside a time to spark your child. Get a cardboard box and make it something, have a tea party, play with figurines in a toy house, play together and show her a new way of playing, something a little older. Challenge her with nursery rhymes and do silly dances, find your inner child and play together. If at any time she has a fit and yells, than ask her simply if she wants you to talk like that? Remind her that if everyone in the house talked like that than it would sound awful. Then shift focus to a different game or topic so she can chose to stay feeling bad or jump on board the fun train.
Feeling off starts to be a habit for our 2-3 year olds. Sometimes it just takes us refocusing them to the little joys of life which can spark new life. Also, sometimes change in circumstance, holidays, fighting being sick, or visitors can chuck them out of feeling themselves and they don’t understand why so they react to the offness. You are right to be understanding, but rather than offer sympathy offer alternatives.