How can you get them to go to bed? How do you get them to stop screaming in your face w defiance? How do you NOT be the lion tamer when you have little crazy lions? I know I know - never get mad, never get frustrated, never swat, never yell, always breathe and speak softly. Well.... I'm trying.
I don’t say this a lot on here, but really, where do we get the idea that we can’t get mad or frustrated? Yes, I always say find the feeling better space and no we can’t hit our children, but our negative emotions are JUST as important as our positive ones. Sometimes, more important. Yes, children can make us feel mad or frustrated... so can partners, bankers, strangers and traffic lights. When they do... they don’t mean to. Rather it is within us giving us a sign that we’re reacting or seeing things from a place that isn’t from us. It does no good to block the emotion and pretend its not real. It’s very real and needs taming too. Parenting is a hands on spiritual experience as when we feel these things, even if we bottle them up, our children sense them and react to them... or at least offer more behaviour to back the feeling up. Therefore we have to change the feeling space that we live in, and they do to. Have you ever noticed that when you are feeling great then your children can play loudly, but when you feel off the noise can drive you crazy? Or when you are on they can ask questions that engage you and stay up late talking, but when you have a million things stressing you out or are super tired the same thing will have you climbing the walls?
We have to allow ourselves the off time, and we have to allow our children to know we’re feeling frustrated or mad. The trick is not to blame them for that. “I’m feeling mad inside” vs “You make me so mad!” Then they will see themselves in the same light and learn from you to experience all their emotions. We aren’t lion tamers... just bigger lions. Therefore honesty is in order. Depending on the age, explanations work, but even my three year old understands “you have to go to bed because your body needs more sleep than mine, so you can get big like Dad.” Followed by a “I’ll talk to you about tractors while we settle down, or I’ll tell your favorite story” Usually gets him up there and I get to have fun too if I’m not anxious that he won’t get there fast enough. Sometimes he might have something he has to do first. I like to be respected for my needs so I’ll let him have 5 minutes to do a bit of it. Screaming in your face? I usually reply “Would you like me to do that to you?” They usually say no. And then, when they talk the way I think they want to be talked to then I make sure I listen.
It’s a journey, a journey about ourselves as well as about them. For often when we feel negative emotions, they are just letting us know we don’t like the situation, but we can jazz it up, change the pace, make them laugh, make us laugh. It doesn’t have to be all about calm and peaceful. Little lions are sometimes trying to remind us that there is fun to be had and we sometimes get better response when we give them that one and jump in.
This is the consultant work of Christina Fletcher in the area of Spiritually Aware Parenting. Parents are invited to write Christina at consultations@spirituallyawareparenting.com with questions. Contributors will be kept anonymous.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
parents who differ in opinion regarding parenting
I have a question, and I will use the example of the other night at bedtime. I was in bed with my son reading books and ready to switch off the lights. He didn't want to go to bed but rather go downstairs and play. My husband (of the thought process that it is our responsibility to 'discipline' children) started shouting that he must listen to his mother and go to bed. Crying ensued. I on the other hand, because I've learned that my husband and I have different techniques, felt awful that I let this happen, then took my son downstairs for 10 minutes, said goodnight to the house, switched off all the lights with him and he peacefully, willingly came to bed... My question is: 1. How confusing must these two styles be to my son? I hate that I can't convince my husband on my parenting style when it so plainly is more effective?! And 2. How can I best manage that with my husband - he tells me I'm too soft and that I don't play any role of a disciplinarian and that my son has me wrapped around my finger and is manipulating me (which I know is not true! I allow him to act out whatever it is that he wants because I know it’s not harmful and just requires me to be patient, eventually we are back on the same page)...Such a great question and one that happens so often.
First, your son will understand that there are two approaches to the issue and will have a clear representation of it. That’s a great tool for the rest of his life. Quite honestly, he will appreciate yours in the long run and rather than it being taken for granted he will know that you respect his wishes, and learn to respect yours, he will feel listened to, and seen as a person. He will come across a lot of people who react as your husband and understand it on a deeper level as he grows. Unfortunately, it may build a wall between him and his father as time comes as he won’t feel like a person... just a child in his father’s eyes. But this is a common hurdle that a lot of parents overcome in time.
You can’t convince another person of anything and discipline has been the parenting model for a very long time. The only thing I can suggest is being honest, saying things like “I hated it when my parents tried to control me, I never did what they wanted me to do, or I just resented it.” Or “Do you like to be controlled?” or “When people don’t respect what I’m asking I feel alone, I don’t want him to feel that way.” If he says your son is manipulating you, then remind him you don’t want to manipulate your son to get to bed. You want a family that respects each other, and when a child is young it is often about showing that respect to our children, to set the bar. Reassure your husband that if your son starts asking too much, that you will ask for the same respect you are showing him and teach him to respect your husband’s and your wishes, so the family can be harmonious.
Your husband is doing what he feels is best and reacting to how he feels. That needs respect too. A family is a co-creation and you will all find compromises and ways of falling into step with each other. Helping his relationship with his son, you can encourage your child to be considerate of his father. “Your dad seems stressed tonight, lets take you up to bed to give him some quiet time.” Etc.
Also, if you ever want to get your husband in on this conversation, he is welcome to write to me too. My husband and I both started off this parenting journey thinking control was the order of the day, the joyful journey was discovered soon after we realized control just wasn’t working.
The mother's husband then wrote me, to express his perspective: Husband- At the current time our son throws tantrums for the smallest things it is basically whenever something doens't goes his way. As soon as his mother or anyone gives or let him do what he wants it stops immediately..... i'm sorry but this is emotional manipulation.... these are toddlers when they will become or are teenagers things will be or are not the same arguing your way out is not an option and issues discussed might not always play the way we wish in the teenagers mind... We live in a world and society which is dictated by authority and respect.. we all have to follow rules whether we like it or not, a child that is given his way whenever he wishes will have serious issues with authority as he grows up... that means issues with school and studies issues with work and social issues as well. I just can not imagine a person having a healthy life if they get angry because something doesn't happen there way and things in life don t always play the way we expect them... Plato once said that everything in life needs balance anything in excess leads to chaos or destruction, i personally think with children it is necessary to love them as much as possible but not over spoil them, communicate with them as much as possible but respect their privacy as well and not in a parental psychotic way, be respected and have your authority respected by the child but not be hitler either and mainly to have has much fun as possible with them. After all we all love are kids here on this forum otherwise we wouldn't be here but let's face it what we want is for our kids to have a happy childhood so yes it is ok to get dirty once in a while , yes it 's ok to have chocolate and candy enjoy for god sake let kids be kids....... I am so glad you wrote. Thank you for providing your perspective. I actually agree with a lot that you have said. But as this page tries to tap into the deeper version of both ourselves and our children, I would like to shift the perspective slightly to say how I agree. At our spiritual core we are positive beings, when we feel less then ourselves, when we feel “off”, insecure, unsure, frustrated, confused, or upset we act unlike ourselves. As we get older we get use to feeling off. We become in the habit of it and in doing so can go through the motions of the day, dealing with people “socially” acting like nothing is wrong. A 2 year old can’t cover their true emotions up. They can’t pretend they don’t feel off when they do and they are so lucky. When we feel off and are aware of it, we can then use it as a spiritual tool to connect to our higher source again. If we cover it up, sometimes we don’t know how disconnected we really are and we become like shadows. Therefore, our children’s tantrums are great tools. Now, where I agree is that a child can’t always get what they want, none of us can, and that goes especially when we are feeling off. It’s a bit of a vicious circle, but it’s the same for all of us. Universal powers will never let us get our own way when we are disconnected, we think we need something to be happy, but we usually can’t get it unless we get happy anyway.
When a child has a tantrum it’s a delicate balance. I find it feels off just to give in, because it passes on the concept that things make us happy and that the world is waiting to give everything we want to us provided we scream loud enough (where you were coming from, right?), but if we shut the tantrum up we are telling them to get over feeling off and pretend the feeling doesn’t exist. This leads to a different shutting down later in life. We are also passing on to them that if we shout loud enough, or make demands, than we get what we want (children going to bed for instance). Shouting at children either shuts them down, or gets them shouting to get their way later on in life. So, where does that leave us? Viewing our children as people too it depends on the scenario and each individual situation. Sometimes a child is so tired it takes picking them up, crying even in their offness, tucking them in and holding them tight. We know it feels horrible to feel off, many a time we want to scream and shout, but bed can be a great place to get connected again. A firm no, you are going to bed, and then making bed a fun, loving experience can really help them get back to themselves. Sometimes our children are actually feeling connected and are in the middle of a great train of thought, the idea of stopping that to go to bed freaks them out as they felt so great and now we’re taking it away. Tantrum ensues. On something like that, understanding that we all hate to have a train of thought interrupted, can be offered a few more minutes to finish up. When we see our children from their deeper level we don’t fall into the “you have to do what I say all the time.” Rather we can build a firm, understanding and listening relationship.
Like I said, it’s a delicate balance. But worth it, as it doesn’t raise brats, rather people who are aware of other people’s feelings and perspectives , and more importantly, their own. All the best!
You can’t convince another person of anything and discipline has been the parenting model for a very long time. The only thing I can suggest is being honest, saying things like “I hated it when my parents tried to control me, I never did what they wanted me to do, or I just resented it.” Or “Do you like to be controlled?” or “When people don’t respect what I’m asking I feel alone, I don’t want him to feel that way.” If he says your son is manipulating you, then remind him you don’t want to manipulate your son to get to bed. You want a family that respects each other, and when a child is young it is often about showing that respect to our children, to set the bar. Reassure your husband that if your son starts asking too much, that you will ask for the same respect you are showing him and teach him to respect your husband’s and your wishes, so the family can be harmonious.
Your husband is doing what he feels is best and reacting to how he feels. That needs respect too. A family is a co-creation and you will all find compromises and ways of falling into step with each other. Helping his relationship with his son, you can encourage your child to be considerate of his father. “Your dad seems stressed tonight, lets take you up to bed to give him some quiet time.” Etc.
Also, if you ever want to get your husband in on this conversation, he is welcome to write to me too. My husband and I both started off this parenting journey thinking control was the order of the day, the joyful journey was discovered soon after we realized control just wasn’t working.
The mother's husband then wrote me, to express his perspective: Husband- At the current time our son throws tantrums for the smallest things it is basically whenever something doens't goes his way. As soon as his mother or anyone gives or let him do what he wants it stops immediately..... i'm sorry but this is emotional manipulation.... these are toddlers when they will become or are teenagers things will be or are not the same arguing your way out is not an option and issues discussed might not always play the way we wish in the teenagers mind... We live in a world and society which is dictated by authority and respect.. we all have to follow rules whether we like it or not, a child that is given his way whenever he wishes will have serious issues with authority as he grows up... that means issues with school and studies issues with work and social issues as well. I just can not imagine a person having a healthy life if they get angry because something doesn't happen there way and things in life don t always play the way we expect them... Plato once said that everything in life needs balance anything in excess leads to chaos or destruction, i personally think with children it is necessary to love them as much as possible but not over spoil them, communicate with them as much as possible but respect their privacy as well and not in a parental psychotic way, be respected and have your authority respected by the child but not be hitler either and mainly to have has much fun as possible with them. After all we all love are kids here on this forum otherwise we wouldn't be here but let's face it what we want is for our kids to have a happy childhood so yes it is ok to get dirty once in a while , yes it 's ok to have chocolate and candy enjoy for god sake let kids be kids....... I am so glad you wrote. Thank you for providing your perspective. I actually agree with a lot that you have said. But as this page tries to tap into the deeper version of both ourselves and our children, I would like to shift the perspective slightly to say how I agree. At our spiritual core we are positive beings, when we feel less then ourselves, when we feel “off”, insecure, unsure, frustrated, confused, or upset we act unlike ourselves. As we get older we get use to feeling off. We become in the habit of it and in doing so can go through the motions of the day, dealing with people “socially” acting like nothing is wrong. A 2 year old can’t cover their true emotions up. They can’t pretend they don’t feel off when they do and they are so lucky. When we feel off and are aware of it, we can then use it as a spiritual tool to connect to our higher source again. If we cover it up, sometimes we don’t know how disconnected we really are and we become like shadows. Therefore, our children’s tantrums are great tools. Now, where I agree is that a child can’t always get what they want, none of us can, and that goes especially when we are feeling off. It’s a bit of a vicious circle, but it’s the same for all of us. Universal powers will never let us get our own way when we are disconnected, we think we need something to be happy, but we usually can’t get it unless we get happy anyway.
When a child has a tantrum it’s a delicate balance. I find it feels off just to give in, because it passes on the concept that things make us happy and that the world is waiting to give everything we want to us provided we scream loud enough (where you were coming from, right?), but if we shut the tantrum up we are telling them to get over feeling off and pretend the feeling doesn’t exist. This leads to a different shutting down later in life. We are also passing on to them that if we shout loud enough, or make demands, than we get what we want (children going to bed for instance). Shouting at children either shuts them down, or gets them shouting to get their way later on in life. So, where does that leave us? Viewing our children as people too it depends on the scenario and each individual situation. Sometimes a child is so tired it takes picking them up, crying even in their offness, tucking them in and holding them tight. We know it feels horrible to feel off, many a time we want to scream and shout, but bed can be a great place to get connected again. A firm no, you are going to bed, and then making bed a fun, loving experience can really help them get back to themselves. Sometimes our children are actually feeling connected and are in the middle of a great train of thought, the idea of stopping that to go to bed freaks them out as they felt so great and now we’re taking it away. Tantrum ensues. On something like that, understanding that we all hate to have a train of thought interrupted, can be offered a few more minutes to finish up. When we see our children from their deeper level we don’t fall into the “you have to do what I say all the time.” Rather we can build a firm, understanding and listening relationship.
Like I said, it’s a delicate balance. But worth it, as it doesn’t raise brats, rather people who are aware of other people’s feelings and perspectives , and more importantly, their own. All the best!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
2 year old no longer being "gentle and loving"
I have lost what was a very gentle loving 2 yr old and has been replaced with a screaming strung out little girl , she shouts alot, hits ,bites the sofa ,spits,throws her food across the table and so much more how can I re balance her and calm her ways?
Her behaviour is a reaction to her new position . She’s feeling disconnected from who she knows she is and then by presenting off behaviour , you in turn see her differently and she feels less like herself. So, like you ask, how to find rebalance and help her connect? You don’t have to calm her ways, that will happen when she’s connected and feeling herself again.
I wish I knew more about her. For instance, is she talking? How is her comprehension? Does she appear like she wants to be treated older? I know by 2, our eldest girl was eager to be seen as a member of the household. She wanted to help around the place, she would talk about what to have for dinner, and make choices about what she wanted to wear and what story she wanted read to her. She begged for feeling empowered and to help make decisions about things that effected her. This way really important on helping with her connection. If she felt powerless, she felt disconnected and less like herself. To this day, 8 years later, she is responsible and likes to help out with decisions. She’s a great leader with friends and family as well. Don’t be afraid to ask your daughter what she wants, needs or likes. She might be trying to get your attention.
As we are positive beings at our core, connection comes when we feel happy and joyful. What I would suggest is to set aside sometime to live in your daughter’s world. Take the phone off the hook, turn off the computer and get down on the floor with her. Play a puzzle together, play dolls together, see what interests her and take her lead. Let her show you how to play her way. Talk about things with her, even if she’s just listening. Put on music and dance, letting her choose her own way of dancing.
Also, its an exciting time as she is looking for new explorations. At 2 she’s probably getting fed up and she might need to have wonders brought to her attention. So point out birds flying past, cows in a field, or even rainbows made by a glass. Get her to help with small jobs, watering plants, sweeping up, pulling the plug out of the bathtub. She’ll feel more part of the action and it offers things to talk to her about, for she might want to understand why you are doing what you are doing. I’m a big one for the art of distraction, if she offers negative behaviour, don’t let her set the tone for how you feel. Simply set the calm feeling space and ask if she would like to help you, if she needs a hug, if she’s hungry, or downright look outside and notice something and ask her if she would like to check it out. She will want to feel better! We always want to feel better. If you can find her something to shift her focus to, then she will jump on board, unless what’s bothering her is really that more important.
This is one of the hardest times of year for our children. Suddenly the feeling of everywhere shifts as Christmas approaches and people act differently. For a 2 year old its really confusing, so they react badly. I always try to avoid talking too much about Christmas, as it makes it too big of deal about something they don’t understand. (I always find children flip out a lot more as of November, merely the sight of santa in stores makes them feel off). Try to keep her focus on things in front of her. By two you can even start making lists of appreciation with her before bed as a part of the bedtime ritual. (This can even be done as “Thank you’s” depending on your belief structure, or “I love” lists if you’d like a more universal approach). Drawing simple attention to the good things in her life reminds her they are there, and will shift the energy.
One last thing. Often it is us who set the tone for the house and when we see something in our children that throws us off we have to find the connection within ourselves first, to provide the example, action rather than reaction and a sense of security in a crazy world. Take sometime to shift focus away from your daughter’s behaviour. See her as the sweet, gentle girl, you know her to be,even if you have to do it away from her. Take some time to appreciate things in your life, to spend sometime in your inner world and create the calm energy you wish for her, within yourself. Even if it means taking a few moments before bed. When we find our own connection,and then offer up an issue we are having, we can shift perspective and see the solution, once we’ve stopped looking directly in the problem.
2 years old is a difficult age as they have observed and experienced quite a bit and want to take life up a notch, but its frustrating for them as they just don’t know how to. Although its often known as a “no” stage, it can sometimes come from us saying “no” almost as often as them, as they experiment and explore on a totally different level, resulting in things they just can’t do. Therefore a cycle of frustration can be created, which is like a ball of energy bouncing between us and our children. Since it is coming from a place where for 2 years we’ve been their safety net, their grounding place and security in being, it can be a shock when we start to say no more frequently, so more of the behavior we are saying no to is given.
Her behaviour is a reaction to her new position . She’s feeling disconnected from who she knows she is and then by presenting off behaviour , you in turn see her differently and she feels less like herself. So, like you ask, how to find rebalance and help her connect? You don’t have to calm her ways, that will happen when she’s connected and feeling herself again.
I wish I knew more about her. For instance, is she talking? How is her comprehension? Does she appear like she wants to be treated older? I know by 2, our eldest girl was eager to be seen as a member of the household. She wanted to help around the place, she would talk about what to have for dinner, and make choices about what she wanted to wear and what story she wanted read to her. She begged for feeling empowered and to help make decisions about things that effected her. This way really important on helping with her connection. If she felt powerless, she felt disconnected and less like herself. To this day, 8 years later, she is responsible and likes to help out with decisions. She’s a great leader with friends and family as well. Don’t be afraid to ask your daughter what she wants, needs or likes. She might be trying to get your attention.
As we are positive beings at our core, connection comes when we feel happy and joyful. What I would suggest is to set aside sometime to live in your daughter’s world. Take the phone off the hook, turn off the computer and get down on the floor with her. Play a puzzle together, play dolls together, see what interests her and take her lead. Let her show you how to play her way. Talk about things with her, even if she’s just listening. Put on music and dance, letting her choose her own way of dancing.
Also, its an exciting time as she is looking for new explorations. At 2 she’s probably getting fed up and she might need to have wonders brought to her attention. So point out birds flying past, cows in a field, or even rainbows made by a glass. Get her to help with small jobs, watering plants, sweeping up, pulling the plug out of the bathtub. She’ll feel more part of the action and it offers things to talk to her about, for she might want to understand why you are doing what you are doing. I’m a big one for the art of distraction, if she offers negative behaviour, don’t let her set the tone for how you feel. Simply set the calm feeling space and ask if she would like to help you, if she needs a hug, if she’s hungry, or downright look outside and notice something and ask her if she would like to check it out. She will want to feel better! We always want to feel better. If you can find her something to shift her focus to, then she will jump on board, unless what’s bothering her is really that more important.
This is one of the hardest times of year for our children. Suddenly the feeling of everywhere shifts as Christmas approaches and people act differently. For a 2 year old its really confusing, so they react badly. I always try to avoid talking too much about Christmas, as it makes it too big of deal about something they don’t understand. (I always find children flip out a lot more as of November, merely the sight of santa in stores makes them feel off). Try to keep her focus on things in front of her. By two you can even start making lists of appreciation with her before bed as a part of the bedtime ritual. (This can even be done as “Thank you’s” depending on your belief structure, or “I love” lists if you’d like a more universal approach). Drawing simple attention to the good things in her life reminds her they are there, and will shift the energy.
One last thing. Often it is us who set the tone for the house and when we see something in our children that throws us off we have to find the connection within ourselves first, to provide the example, action rather than reaction and a sense of security in a crazy world. Take sometime to shift focus away from your daughter’s behaviour. See her as the sweet, gentle girl, you know her to be,even if you have to do it away from her. Take some time to appreciate things in your life, to spend sometime in your inner world and create the calm energy you wish for her, within yourself. Even if it means taking a few moments before bed. When we find our own connection,and then offer up an issue we are having, we can shift perspective and see the solution, once we’ve stopped looking directly in the problem.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
a mother asks how to deal with the Santa Myth
Ok. This sounds stupid, but I keep being put on the spot about this and considering the time of year it’s just going to get worse! My DD is 3.5 and everywhere she goes there’s Christmas stuff. Last year she didn’t really know what it was all about, but now she’s at playschool and she keeps hearing stuff. Not only that, but at stores and with my friends she keeps being asked if “she’s been good this year?” And “what do you want Santa to bring you?” I’ve always prided myself on not lying to her, even if it means life being more difficult, but she’s getting all excited about Santa and Christmas and I’m torn. I don’t want to disappoint her and seem like a Scrooge, but I also feel really bad playing the game. Any thoughts?
I feel the concept of giving gifts at the holidays is simply an extension of the mystical elements of the season. Children love to receive presents (ok, don’t we all) and the joy of both giving and receiving is what the focus should be: Joy. Joy and appreciation. One of the things that always settle wrong with me about the Santa myth is that the appreciation for the giver is missing. It’s like the exchange is never finished when you can’t look at someone and thank them for their thought and consideration. Rather it can turn into a greed fest, with “what next?” being the common phrase. This can spread into how we approach life as well, as if we don’t stop to appreciate all of the wonders life has spread infront of us, we get into a rut of waiting for the next and feeling unsatisfied in each moment.
No matter what your spiritual belief is surrounding the season, there is a physical, magical reality going off that our family always takes part in. The fact that everything is dead, lying cold in the ground and yet life still survives. That a magic cord keeps life generating and that soon life will return again is pretty incredible. Seasons can make us aware of the magic and wonder of the world around us and there is so much to appreciate. No matter what your background, there is always a sense of light and hope. The world offers so many gifts and the exchange of gifts is simply another extension of that. Also, the feeling space/energy of the world always changes in the Christmas season. (Hence the phrase “I feel Christmas-y) Sights, smells, tastes all trigger a warmth and invigorating energy. Santa can sometimes get in the way of truly experiencing all sides of the experience.
Therefore, here’s what I suggest. This is what we have done with our own children and although they talk about Christmas gifts it’s been done in fun. I asked them after receiving your question whether they felt cheated by not being led down the Santa train, and they looked surprised at me and both agreed that they hadn’t missed it at all.
Talk to your daughter about Santa and how he derived from St. Nick. Tell her how long ago there was a man who saw poverty and people who lacked things and decided to share joy and lighten their load on Christmas. Tell her that since then, people have taken up his tradition and at Christmas they remember the joy HE felt by giving without looking for thanks or even without other’s knowing it was him. Be honest with her and tell her that a lot of children are told the he still comes into houses, but you don’t want to lie to her. Also encourage her to not talk about it with friends as they would be sad to hear he wasn’t real, but point out that there is so much magic around, you don’t need to lie about it. Rather you can play the game and she can even pretend if she likes and leave the cookies and milk. Hang the stockings, do the fanfare, but as an imaginary game, just for the fun of it.
If adults start asking her questions you don’t have to take part in it, but you don’t have to make it a big deal. For instance swooping in with replies like “She’s always good.” Or “oh her Dad and I are talking about what we’re giving.” Can divert rather than make it awkward.
It is so sad to see children suddenly “grow out of magic” when they find out there is no Santa Claus. They have been cheated as they have to relearn what they were born knowing: that we live in a world full of miracles and magic is everywhere.
First thought is, the question doesn’t sound stupid at all and good for you for following how you feel. The holiday season can be so full of joy, wonder and magic and yet, often when we have small children, it can also be stressful and based in the wrong focus. 3.5 is the perfect time to set the right tone for how you want the future holidays to flow and by setting the right perspective now, you line your child up to feel the wonder and magic and not have it backfire by finding out it doesn’t exist in a few years. Many a child has felt betrayal and lost faith in magic because of the Santa myth and it really doesn’t have to be that way.
I feel the concept of giving gifts at the holidays is simply an extension of the mystical elements of the season. Children love to receive presents (ok, don’t we all) and the joy of both giving and receiving is what the focus should be: Joy. Joy and appreciation. One of the things that always settle wrong with me about the Santa myth is that the appreciation for the giver is missing. It’s like the exchange is never finished when you can’t look at someone and thank them for their thought and consideration. Rather it can turn into a greed fest, with “what next?” being the common phrase. This can spread into how we approach life as well, as if we don’t stop to appreciate all of the wonders life has spread infront of us, we get into a rut of waiting for the next and feeling unsatisfied in each moment.
No matter what your spiritual belief is surrounding the season, there is a physical, magical reality going off that our family always takes part in. The fact that everything is dead, lying cold in the ground and yet life still survives. That a magic cord keeps life generating and that soon life will return again is pretty incredible. Seasons can make us aware of the magic and wonder of the world around us and there is so much to appreciate. No matter what your background, there is always a sense of light and hope. The world offers so many gifts and the exchange of gifts is simply another extension of that. Also, the feeling space/energy of the world always changes in the Christmas season. (Hence the phrase “I feel Christmas-y) Sights, smells, tastes all trigger a warmth and invigorating energy. Santa can sometimes get in the way of truly experiencing all sides of the experience.
Therefore, here’s what I suggest. This is what we have done with our own children and although they talk about Christmas gifts it’s been done in fun. I asked them after receiving your question whether they felt cheated by not being led down the Santa train, and they looked surprised at me and both agreed that they hadn’t missed it at all.
Talk to your daughter about Santa and how he derived from St. Nick. Tell her how long ago there was a man who saw poverty and people who lacked things and decided to share joy and lighten their load on Christmas. Tell her that since then, people have taken up his tradition and at Christmas they remember the joy HE felt by giving without looking for thanks or even without other’s knowing it was him. Be honest with her and tell her that a lot of children are told the he still comes into houses, but you don’t want to lie to her. Also encourage her to not talk about it with friends as they would be sad to hear he wasn’t real, but point out that there is so much magic around, you don’t need to lie about it. Rather you can play the game and she can even pretend if she likes and leave the cookies and milk. Hang the stockings, do the fanfare, but as an imaginary game, just for the fun of it.
If adults start asking her questions you don’t have to take part in it, but you don’t have to make it a big deal. For instance swooping in with replies like “She’s always good.” Or “oh her Dad and I are talking about what we’re giving.” Can divert rather than make it awkward.
It is so sad to see children suddenly “grow out of magic” when they find out there is no Santa Claus. They have been cheated as they have to relearn what they were born knowing: that we live in a world full of miracles and magic is everywhere.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Zoned out 7 year old has too much screen time
What are your thoughts about computer games and how much a child should be on them? My son seems to always be on a game of some sort. The minute he comes home from school I barely get a hello before he’s involved in something on the computer. It’s driving me crazy. If I make a big deal about them he just gets mad and upset, and if I ban them he droops about saying how bored he is and drives me even more crazy. I feel like he’s wasting his life away, when he should be playing. He’s seven next month by the way.
We live in a world that relies on computers, quite honestly I don’t know where I would be without mine. Computers have sped up our world, and now we seem to multi task, think and communicate faster than ever before. Our children came purposefully at this time. They choose this new age with all its gadgets and gizmos. Therefore, in some ways, if we full out deny our children a chance to take part in this new, than we hold them back from understanding how others work around them and possibly what they partly came here to experience. However, like you’ve said, it can feel like wasting a life away, zoned out in a different reality.
For me, gaming and computers, also TV if you want to add it to the list, provide an amazing opportunity for us as parents. It’s a great lesson of awareness for ourselves and for our children and communication about how things make us feel is paramount. Life is about balance, and if a child occasionally needs to escape reality and enter a different world via the computer, that’s one thing, but if he sees it as that, and decides that’s what he needs, that’s a different story. Choosing the zone, and feeling your way there is an empowering choice, whereas usually children just drift there out of boredom and not knowing what to do. Ironically, it seems that the more they use computer games as amusement so they aren’t bored, the more bored they get when they aren’t infront of the computer. It’s an addiction and like all addiction, understanding it and admitting it is the first step.
Now, to your son.
First, if he thinks that life is boring when the computer is off, then the computer will have a lot more appeal and he will push harder against not having turned off. If you are determined he has some off time, then you will have more resistance to it being on, and that usually will result in you getting what you don’t want: The computer will be on a lot! Therefore, the place to put the attention isn’t on how to get the computer off, it’s how to make life more creative and exciting for your son, so he gets a sense of how wonderful life can be without the addiction of a game. Shift focus on creating fun and he’ll be off fast enough. Bake together, do crafts together, get a sensory table going, get messy, start going for walks, hikes, go explore, remind yourself of what it’s like to be him and see the world through his eyes, what does he love (other than computer) and see if you can physicalize it. If he likes bugs and science take him to a discovery centre or for a nature walk, get him (AND YOU) to a library or to tours, anything that sparks life and fun. If you want him to live creatively, then get creative.
When you have him having fun away from the screen, then mention to him that you love having fun with him. Tell him how you feel the computer takes him away. Talk to him about the zone, or how it changes the feeling of the house and then ask if you can come up with a deal, about what sort of games he plays and for how long. Get him to talk to you about the games he is playing, ask him about what he learns, find out about his world and what makes him love it so and then come up with a compromise so you are treating his wants with respect and vice versa.
Be the balance not the resistance. Also be honest with him and yourself. My daughters were getting into the zone once and then when I opened up the topic they said, “but mom, what about you and Facebook?” I had to look within myself and realized that yes, sometimes I had zoned out on my newsfeed. So, we talked about it and as a family promised we would do our best to not be zoned out and be more aware of the house. It meant there was no pushing against, simply working together.
Computer games, and with that I mean Nintendos, Wiis, hand held devices and gosh knows what other electronic gadgets are out there for entertainment for our children, are one of a modern family’s greatest challenges. There’s something about them that always feels off to a parent, as we watch our children become emotionally and sometimes physically charged up by them or simply watch them get into what my children and I call “the zone”, where they seem to disappear almost entirely. However, the way I see it, is that computers and gaming doesn’t have to be a situation of do or don’t, they don’t need banning as such, rather like a lot of things they need shifting in perspective.
We live in a world that relies on computers, quite honestly I don’t know where I would be without mine. Computers have sped up our world, and now we seem to multi task, think and communicate faster than ever before. Our children came purposefully at this time. They choose this new age with all its gadgets and gizmos. Therefore, in some ways, if we full out deny our children a chance to take part in this new, than we hold them back from understanding how others work around them and possibly what they partly came here to experience. However, like you’ve said, it can feel like wasting a life away, zoned out in a different reality.
For me, gaming and computers, also TV if you want to add it to the list, provide an amazing opportunity for us as parents. It’s a great lesson of awareness for ourselves and for our children and communication about how things make us feel is paramount. Life is about balance, and if a child occasionally needs to escape reality and enter a different world via the computer, that’s one thing, but if he sees it as that, and decides that’s what he needs, that’s a different story. Choosing the zone, and feeling your way there is an empowering choice, whereas usually children just drift there out of boredom and not knowing what to do. Ironically, it seems that the more they use computer games as amusement so they aren’t bored, the more bored they get when they aren’t infront of the computer. It’s an addiction and like all addiction, understanding it and admitting it is the first step.
Now, to your son.
First, if he thinks that life is boring when the computer is off, then the computer will have a lot more appeal and he will push harder against not having turned off. If you are determined he has some off time, then you will have more resistance to it being on, and that usually will result in you getting what you don’t want: The computer will be on a lot! Therefore, the place to put the attention isn’t on how to get the computer off, it’s how to make life more creative and exciting for your son, so he gets a sense of how wonderful life can be without the addiction of a game. Shift focus on creating fun and he’ll be off fast enough. Bake together, do crafts together, get a sensory table going, get messy, start going for walks, hikes, go explore, remind yourself of what it’s like to be him and see the world through his eyes, what does he love (other than computer) and see if you can physicalize it. If he likes bugs and science take him to a discovery centre or for a nature walk, get him (AND YOU) to a library or to tours, anything that sparks life and fun. If you want him to live creatively, then get creative.
When you have him having fun away from the screen, then mention to him that you love having fun with him. Tell him how you feel the computer takes him away. Talk to him about the zone, or how it changes the feeling of the house and then ask if you can come up with a deal, about what sort of games he plays and for how long. Get him to talk to you about the games he is playing, ask him about what he learns, find out about his world and what makes him love it so and then come up with a compromise so you are treating his wants with respect and vice versa.
Be the balance not the resistance. Also be honest with him and yourself. My daughters were getting into the zone once and then when I opened up the topic they said, “but mom, what about you and Facebook?” I had to look within myself and realized that yes, sometimes I had zoned out on my newsfeed. So, we talked about it and as a family promised we would do our best to not be zoned out and be more aware of the house. It meant there was no pushing against, simply working together.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Mother of 4 struggling with depression
hello, I have just become a parent for the fourth time and I've been struggling with depression. If you have any advice i would be truly grateful.
I would love to try and help. I have to admit I’m not fully educated on the medical condition of Post Natal Depression, so I have to stress that I’m not offering any medical advice. I can only comment on a few ways to shift perspective, possibly finding relief and moments of parenting joy.
I know how overwhelming having multiple children can be, especially when they are all at a very young age. It seems that your attention is always needed and the beautiful image of a new mother cuddling up to her newborn and spending time gazing in their eyes can seem very far off as you rush from child to child and then try to squeeze in dishes and dinner, let alone see a partner alone for 2 minutes! Within that constant juggling act we can lose a sense of self and start to feel like we’re drowning. You don’t mention the age of your other children, but no matter what, parenting a new born is such a different journey than parenting a toddler, and then again, the journey shifts when we hit school age. Each stage brings their own challenges, but also their own joys, provided we can find them in all the muddle.
Usually, my first advice is to find a moment to connect, to appreciate and go within, finding the calm centre of the real YOU so you can sense answers, but considering 4 kids and one a new born, let’s assume that that seems too much to ask. Without that moment how to find your core centre, so you can start to feel yourself again. For that is the key to it all. So often in those depressing moments we cry out that this isn’t the life we dreamed of, that we had ambitions that we feel we can’t follow anymore, or that we never get anytime, but at the root of it all comes the need to feel connected, to feel part of the flood of wellbeing that is ever flowing, and to feel ourselves, fully ourselves, not a robot in motion. It’s when we feel like we’re unfulfilled, and then start to look at others as the cause of that un-fulfilment so we feel helpless, that we truly sink into despair.
So, YOU. Wonderful, spectacular YOU. You need some expression and some wonderment. Let’s swerve from children for a moment, as really that’s probably what’s going on most of the time for you right now. You don’t have to feel your children have to bring you joy. You don’t have to feel like they are the be all, end all. You don’t have any emotional requirement put upon you. We’re here to feel good, that’s how we connect to our pure, positive, spiritual selves. (That doesn’t mean leave the kids in the house and go for a walk for any readers wondering at my concept of feeling good, it never feels good, deeply good to let others suffer, let’s just keep that clear). Focusing our thoughts, even in imagination can trigger feeling good emotions. We can remind ourselves of lying on a beach in the hot sun on a winter day and we will feel warmed. Take a moment to imagine a place that you love, even your partner’s arms in bed. Hold that moment in your thoughts, and don’t let any negative voice tell you that it doesn’t exist any longer since “the kids”. Life works in cycles, and the universe recognizes how we feel. By imagining things, scenarios, and moments that make your heart feel better you are training it to feel better and revel in new moments that feel good. Does that make any sense? Therefore start to compile a tool box of feeling good thoughts, jokes that made you smile, memories of when you first fell in love, a trip to…anywhere. That thought will trigger a feeling better emotion, starting to end the barrage of thoughts that can build up negative steam.
The same things go for appreciation. Now it’s too much to ask a tired mom to lie in bed before sleep and make a list of things you really appreciate (but if you can squeeze it in, great). However, there are moments of things to appreciate daily. Try to make it your mission to appreciate as many things as possible, and when you appreciate them, don’t just tick them off a list, let the appreciation be pushed a little bit to the point of your heart lifting slightly, or until you give a little gasp. If one thing doesn’t work, look for something else. It can be that first cup of coffee, seeing a sunset, lying on your pillow (aren’t pillows wonderful, really?), a comfortable chair, your favourite sweater, a dish your mother gave you, your friend’s wacky laugh. Throughout the day take a split second back over everything and see if you can appreciate it rather than run past in, or get upset about it. It sounds impossible at the start, but soon you will notice all sorts of things that you couldn’t have before… and yes, they will involve your children.
Here’s the funny thing about children. They mirror how we feel, especially when they are younger. They match us, rather than try to help us. When you think of being in an argument, it takes a lot of practice to not match the other person emotionally. If someone is mad at you, it’s easier to fall into getting mad back at them, rather than walk away. Young children react like that too, so if life’s overwhelming to begin with, often our children feel it, get overwhelmed and then it really does go into a spiral. When you start to take a moment to appreciate each moment than there’s a feeling shift. When you start to feel a spiral, change the feeling space, grab everyone and go for a walk, put on some uplifting music that has always made you feel better, eat something that you love, leave the housework and play dress up with your children, even ask your kids to tickle you if you think it would make you laugh. The children will react to the new feeling space you set and they will then mirror it. Life gets easier.
Young children sense your pain and when I say they mirror it doesn’t mean they don’t want to help, they just don’t understand how to. It’s not their job to make you feel better, that’s no one’s job, but it will feel better to involve them. Tell them you’re trying to make yourself feel better, and you are looking for things to feel good about, ask their help. It’s a great car game to look for things to be thankful for, or things that make us feel good. We also learn a lot about our children when we hear what does it for them. Share with them, join in with them. They can also help with the other overwhelming parts of life by putting away toys, or watching the baby, they can set tables, or turn off tv’s. Children thrive in a group effort, and if they've been feeling your pain, they will want to help, if you suggest how they can. Your baby might seem to hold up the ship a bit, but if you take midnight feeds and focus on the fact that it’s the only one on one time to connect to them, then take a soft moment to remind yourself that babies have just come and therefore are spiritually connected almost all of the time. They let us know when they aren’t! Appreciate how simple things are, how clear for them, and let yourself sink into how they feel, in the warmth of your arms. Count his/her toes, kiss their hair, and watch their movements, you were like that at one point to.
It’s a question of little bit, by little bit, moment by moment. It doesn’t need to add up, we never need to fully know where it’s going, but when we appreciate the little things, even the fact that our bodies can grow other bodies inside of ourselves, and that we create new organs to feed and nurture it, and then give birth, and then provide nutrition for it, then our truest parts of ourselves scream out that Yes, we are part of something beautiful and wondrous. We don’t need to figure it out, we just need to feel a bit better and than a bit better to let life flow through and balance/wellbeing to be restored. Your children chose you before they came. Not because they knew you would be super mom and do everything perfect straight off, but because you are YOU. They know you as you and they knew the experiences you could create TOGETHER. They knew that together you would take each other to new places and new growth and that’s what this whole process is all about. You are doing exceptionally well! You are doing great, being YOU! Even just by saying I want to do better you offer the request up and it will be heard, you just have to feel your way there, feeling better little bit by little bit, appreciating and savoring.
I hope this helps a little bit. Please let me know, and if you have any questions, or want to discuss anything at anytime, just write. You aren’t alone in this, we’re all in this together. We raise children for the same generation and together we are working for feeling better options. Be well and thrive.
I know how overwhelming having multiple children can be, especially when they are all at a very young age. It seems that your attention is always needed and the beautiful image of a new mother cuddling up to her newborn and spending time gazing in their eyes can seem very far off as you rush from child to child and then try to squeeze in dishes and dinner, let alone see a partner alone for 2 minutes! Within that constant juggling act we can lose a sense of self and start to feel like we’re drowning. You don’t mention the age of your other children, but no matter what, parenting a new born is such a different journey than parenting a toddler, and then again, the journey shifts when we hit school age. Each stage brings their own challenges, but also their own joys, provided we can find them in all the muddle.
Usually, my first advice is to find a moment to connect, to appreciate and go within, finding the calm centre of the real YOU so you can sense answers, but considering 4 kids and one a new born, let’s assume that that seems too much to ask. Without that moment how to find your core centre, so you can start to feel yourself again. For that is the key to it all. So often in those depressing moments we cry out that this isn’t the life we dreamed of, that we had ambitions that we feel we can’t follow anymore, or that we never get anytime, but at the root of it all comes the need to feel connected, to feel part of the flood of wellbeing that is ever flowing, and to feel ourselves, fully ourselves, not a robot in motion. It’s when we feel like we’re unfulfilled, and then start to look at others as the cause of that un-fulfilment so we feel helpless, that we truly sink into despair.
So, YOU. Wonderful, spectacular YOU. You need some expression and some wonderment. Let’s swerve from children for a moment, as really that’s probably what’s going on most of the time for you right now. You don’t have to feel your children have to bring you joy. You don’t have to feel like they are the be all, end all. You don’t have any emotional requirement put upon you. We’re here to feel good, that’s how we connect to our pure, positive, spiritual selves. (That doesn’t mean leave the kids in the house and go for a walk for any readers wondering at my concept of feeling good, it never feels good, deeply good to let others suffer, let’s just keep that clear). Focusing our thoughts, even in imagination can trigger feeling good emotions. We can remind ourselves of lying on a beach in the hot sun on a winter day and we will feel warmed. Take a moment to imagine a place that you love, even your partner’s arms in bed. Hold that moment in your thoughts, and don’t let any negative voice tell you that it doesn’t exist any longer since “the kids”. Life works in cycles, and the universe recognizes how we feel. By imagining things, scenarios, and moments that make your heart feel better you are training it to feel better and revel in new moments that feel good. Does that make any sense? Therefore start to compile a tool box of feeling good thoughts, jokes that made you smile, memories of when you first fell in love, a trip to…anywhere. That thought will trigger a feeling better emotion, starting to end the barrage of thoughts that can build up negative steam.
The same things go for appreciation. Now it’s too much to ask a tired mom to lie in bed before sleep and make a list of things you really appreciate (but if you can squeeze it in, great). However, there are moments of things to appreciate daily. Try to make it your mission to appreciate as many things as possible, and when you appreciate them, don’t just tick them off a list, let the appreciation be pushed a little bit to the point of your heart lifting slightly, or until you give a little gasp. If one thing doesn’t work, look for something else. It can be that first cup of coffee, seeing a sunset, lying on your pillow (aren’t pillows wonderful, really?), a comfortable chair, your favourite sweater, a dish your mother gave you, your friend’s wacky laugh. Throughout the day take a split second back over everything and see if you can appreciate it rather than run past in, or get upset about it. It sounds impossible at the start, but soon you will notice all sorts of things that you couldn’t have before… and yes, they will involve your children.
Here’s the funny thing about children. They mirror how we feel, especially when they are younger. They match us, rather than try to help us. When you think of being in an argument, it takes a lot of practice to not match the other person emotionally. If someone is mad at you, it’s easier to fall into getting mad back at them, rather than walk away. Young children react like that too, so if life’s overwhelming to begin with, often our children feel it, get overwhelmed and then it really does go into a spiral. When you start to take a moment to appreciate each moment than there’s a feeling shift. When you start to feel a spiral, change the feeling space, grab everyone and go for a walk, put on some uplifting music that has always made you feel better, eat something that you love, leave the housework and play dress up with your children, even ask your kids to tickle you if you think it would make you laugh. The children will react to the new feeling space you set and they will then mirror it. Life gets easier.
Young children sense your pain and when I say they mirror it doesn’t mean they don’t want to help, they just don’t understand how to. It’s not their job to make you feel better, that’s no one’s job, but it will feel better to involve them. Tell them you’re trying to make yourself feel better, and you are looking for things to feel good about, ask their help. It’s a great car game to look for things to be thankful for, or things that make us feel good. We also learn a lot about our children when we hear what does it for them. Share with them, join in with them. They can also help with the other overwhelming parts of life by putting away toys, or watching the baby, they can set tables, or turn off tv’s. Children thrive in a group effort, and if they've been feeling your pain, they will want to help, if you suggest how they can. Your baby might seem to hold up the ship a bit, but if you take midnight feeds and focus on the fact that it’s the only one on one time to connect to them, then take a soft moment to remind yourself that babies have just come and therefore are spiritually connected almost all of the time. They let us know when they aren’t! Appreciate how simple things are, how clear for them, and let yourself sink into how they feel, in the warmth of your arms. Count his/her toes, kiss their hair, and watch their movements, you were like that at one point to.
It’s a question of little bit, by little bit, moment by moment. It doesn’t need to add up, we never need to fully know where it’s going, but when we appreciate the little things, even the fact that our bodies can grow other bodies inside of ourselves, and that we create new organs to feed and nurture it, and then give birth, and then provide nutrition for it, then our truest parts of ourselves scream out that Yes, we are part of something beautiful and wondrous. We don’t need to figure it out, we just need to feel a bit better and than a bit better to let life flow through and balance/wellbeing to be restored. Your children chose you before they came. Not because they knew you would be super mom and do everything perfect straight off, but because you are YOU. They know you as you and they knew the experiences you could create TOGETHER. They knew that together you would take each other to new places and new growth and that’s what this whole process is all about. You are doing exceptionally well! You are doing great, being YOU! Even just by saying I want to do better you offer the request up and it will be heard, you just have to feel your way there, feeling better little bit by little bit, appreciating and savoring.
I hope this helps a little bit. Please let me know, and if you have any questions, or want to discuss anything at anytime, just write. You aren’t alone in this, we’re all in this together. We raise children for the same generation and together we are working for feeling better options. Be well and thrive.
Friday, November 2, 2012
2 year old stages of "I want" and tantrums
My son just turned 2 and in the last week he's changed so much! He's learned the concepts of "mine" and "I want it" and has strong reactions when he can't have certain things. He has also learned to hit a bit in anger. Any tools you can offer? Any inspiring thoughts for my moments of despair?
In my book I call 1-2 years old the Interpretation stage as within that time we take what we’ve observed and interpret how and what it means to us as children and as humans. Therefore, when he asks for something, he’s interpreted that he wants it, and he’s observing how he’s going to get it. You can help him explore differently, because when he’s exploring stuff (just like when he was smaller and would explore the cupboards and the floorboards as he crawled around), he’s interpreting more and growing more, which is what he’s probably wanting. Often people sneer at the power of choices, and many a time I’ve had people tell me I give our children too many choices, but they work. When we listen to what our children want, and if they really can’t have it, we can distract them with a simple redirection of “well, no you can’t have that, BUT you can have this or this, which would you like?” Suddenly, our children can feel part of decisions and how the day is going to work. Same goes with the cry of “I want…” When our children say they want something, they are working for the feeling of what it would feel like if they had a certain thing. We can empower the want by finding something else that will give the same exciting satisfaction, but not the thing we don’t want them to have. For instance, when our son was 2 he loved the blow dryer. He’d tried it out once when my husband was drying something and after that, he wanted it passionately. He then kept finding it, and trying to plug it in. DANGEROUS! It wasn’t a question of letting him have it, but he would flip if we said no. So, first we found a toy one, which was a little help as long as the other one was hidden, but then we let him discover vacuuming. I had a little vacuum that didn’t work too well, and when I vacuumed with the larger one, he followed me with the other. It was the same sensation of the blowdryer, and yet he wasn’t plugging it in, and he was helping me, taking part in the house and doing what grown-ups do. I’ve also notice, that when children are involved on this level, their drive to become involved on this level diminishes, it’s no longer the challenge to overcome, so they head back to their toys or play satisfied.
With the hitting in anger, don’t take it personally. It probably relates to the frustration of not being able to take part in decisions within the day. Before an I want, or a flip out, start involving him with simple things. (“Do you want to wear this shirt, or this one?”) or even asking him to help for simple tasks, like shovelling snow (if you’re doing that yet) or raking leaves. You can also try copying play, such as getting him to wash toy dishes while you do the real ones, or a toy broom. Try to grab a few times in the day where you play with him at a game he likes or he can pick, so you enter his world where he has control and then in your stuff you’re in charge. It means you can make life a team effort, rather than one based on control and hierarchy.
Yes, a child changes when they hit two, and it seems impossible for them to want to be part of life so much for what seems like such a young age. But sometimes a spirit comes who wants to grow fast and they absorb things quickly to get ahead. Sometimes we have to make the leap and just see them as a go-getter and it means treating them a little older than the calendar says we should. That means empowering them a bit and then explaining to them why we say no about other things. (Another example was when our son wanted to play with the blender. I told him no, and then explained how it could cut his hand off if it turned on. After he understood my no, he never asked again.) When we explain why we say no, rather than just sounding like we do it randomly, our children respect them more. They know about getting hurt, when we apply the same concept to things that COULD hurt them, they suddenly don’t want it. Saying no to things like going to the park, or having cake for breakfast can need more of a distraction, although tummy ache is a good try.
Talk with him, play with him and respect where he’s coming from. At the same time, don’t feel you have to give in, just explain why you are saying no and distract onto the next best thing.
Hope this helps. Keep me posted on everything and if you want to chat more or give more information than just say. Be well, happy and thrive. But what about tantrums? We tend to feel like our children need to be connected all the time for us to be doing a good job, but really, at the root of it all, it’s not our job to get our kids connected. When they are disconnected from their true selves we can offer options and jumping off points that will help them feel better, but if they don’t want to go there yet, we can love them and hold them, and know their pain, but they have to make the leap. It provides them with the early experience to be aware of how they feel. Tantrums are a great way our children express their offness. Therefore, when your son has a tantrum, and you can’t give in because he really can’t have what he wants and distraction won’t work, it’s because he’s hurting so much from the disconnection, he can’t see his way out. Now often it might not actually be from the thing he’s flipping out about. Often that has come from the emotional journey all day and the law of attraction has brought the scenario to the full blown out state, so therefore it’s not just a question of a quick fix to what he’s flipping out about, it reassuring him that everything is alright, safe and secure and getting him back into the feeling of wellbeing.
Tantrums are a hard one as there’s no generalized rule. It depends on the journey and his build up to it and what he needs.
My favourite tool is to quiet yourself when he’s flipping out, close your eyes and try to feel what he’s going through as you hold him in your arms or sit beside him, depending what he lets you do. Suddenly you can get a sense of what it’s about and the solution falls into place. Also, hold an image or feeling in your inner self of who you know your son really is, that way he can sense it and feel his way back. Not only will the energy shift in the room, but you will be connecting yourself, providing him with the example and also opening yourself up to what’s needed in the moment.
I find that being aware of energy is important in a tantrum moment, as it becomes easy for us to fall into the same feeling space as our children are in. We can get panicky and disconnected. In order for them to feel their way back it’s important for us to stand in a different feeling space, if that makes sense. We can be calm and secure, providing love and warmth, or if it feels right, create a feeling of lightness to balance things out. Often a change of scene is key too, as it shifts the energy that the child is in and pushes the reset button on life. Many a time I’ve rushed a child outside, carrying them in my arms as they flipped out, only to have them connect again in fresh air. I’ve also taken them just to another room and it seems to shift perspective in how they feel. The build up disappears. If we sense that distraction is needed but it won’t work, we can put on a favourite movie or music in another room, which will create a different energy, to see if our children can choose to feel better by joining it.
It’s taken me a long time to come to realize that it’s about feeling spaces and not words and when our children sense a different feeling option they often are willing to quit the one they are in and jump on board. They usually can shift pretty quick when it’s in their feeling vicinity as they don’t have some sense of having to ride the course of a mood like we do as adults. They feel the better feeling option and will jump in quickly. Becoming aware of how we feel is such a valuable tool for life, so it’s important to provide them with the opportunity to feel better rather than something to make them feel better, which so often we are tempted to do.
The age two has such a bad reputation. With two years of experience behind observing and creating opinions around things, a child suddenly starts to understand how things work in the world and they want to be more involved. It can often seem unfair to them how we’re in charge of what they can have, what they can’t, and when they can or can’t have something. Quite honestly, your son sounds advanced if he’s fed up with observing already. He sounds like he came eager to take part in the world and being part of the things in your day to day living. With his demands must come with a certain amount of understanding and that very well may be your key.
In my book I call 1-2 years old the Interpretation stage as within that time we take what we’ve observed and interpret how and what it means to us as children and as humans. Therefore, when he asks for something, he’s interpreted that he wants it, and he’s observing how he’s going to get it. You can help him explore differently, because when he’s exploring stuff (just like when he was smaller and would explore the cupboards and the floorboards as he crawled around), he’s interpreting more and growing more, which is what he’s probably wanting. Often people sneer at the power of choices, and many a time I’ve had people tell me I give our children too many choices, but they work. When we listen to what our children want, and if they really can’t have it, we can distract them with a simple redirection of “well, no you can’t have that, BUT you can have this or this, which would you like?” Suddenly, our children can feel part of decisions and how the day is going to work. Same goes with the cry of “I want…” When our children say they want something, they are working for the feeling of what it would feel like if they had a certain thing. We can empower the want by finding something else that will give the same exciting satisfaction, but not the thing we don’t want them to have. For instance, when our son was 2 he loved the blow dryer. He’d tried it out once when my husband was drying something and after that, he wanted it passionately. He then kept finding it, and trying to plug it in. DANGEROUS! It wasn’t a question of letting him have it, but he would flip if we said no. So, first we found a toy one, which was a little help as long as the other one was hidden, but then we let him discover vacuuming. I had a little vacuum that didn’t work too well, and when I vacuumed with the larger one, he followed me with the other. It was the same sensation of the blowdryer, and yet he wasn’t plugging it in, and he was helping me, taking part in the house and doing what grown-ups do. I’ve also notice, that when children are involved on this level, their drive to become involved on this level diminishes, it’s no longer the challenge to overcome, so they head back to their toys or play satisfied.
With the hitting in anger, don’t take it personally. It probably relates to the frustration of not being able to take part in decisions within the day. Before an I want, or a flip out, start involving him with simple things. (“Do you want to wear this shirt, or this one?”) or even asking him to help for simple tasks, like shovelling snow (if you’re doing that yet) or raking leaves. You can also try copying play, such as getting him to wash toy dishes while you do the real ones, or a toy broom. Try to grab a few times in the day where you play with him at a game he likes or he can pick, so you enter his world where he has control and then in your stuff you’re in charge. It means you can make life a team effort, rather than one based on control and hierarchy.
Yes, a child changes when they hit two, and it seems impossible for them to want to be part of life so much for what seems like such a young age. But sometimes a spirit comes who wants to grow fast and they absorb things quickly to get ahead. Sometimes we have to make the leap and just see them as a go-getter and it means treating them a little older than the calendar says we should. That means empowering them a bit and then explaining to them why we say no about other things. (Another example was when our son wanted to play with the blender. I told him no, and then explained how it could cut his hand off if it turned on. After he understood my no, he never asked again.) When we explain why we say no, rather than just sounding like we do it randomly, our children respect them more. They know about getting hurt, when we apply the same concept to things that COULD hurt them, they suddenly don’t want it. Saying no to things like going to the park, or having cake for breakfast can need more of a distraction, although tummy ache is a good try.
Talk with him, play with him and respect where he’s coming from. At the same time, don’t feel you have to give in, just explain why you are saying no and distract onto the next best thing.
Hope this helps. Keep me posted on everything and if you want to chat more or give more information than just say. Be well, happy and thrive. But what about tantrums? We tend to feel like our children need to be connected all the time for us to be doing a good job, but really, at the root of it all, it’s not our job to get our kids connected. When they are disconnected from their true selves we can offer options and jumping off points that will help them feel better, but if they don’t want to go there yet, we can love them and hold them, and know their pain, but they have to make the leap. It provides them with the early experience to be aware of how they feel. Tantrums are a great way our children express their offness. Therefore, when your son has a tantrum, and you can’t give in because he really can’t have what he wants and distraction won’t work, it’s because he’s hurting so much from the disconnection, he can’t see his way out. Now often it might not actually be from the thing he’s flipping out about. Often that has come from the emotional journey all day and the law of attraction has brought the scenario to the full blown out state, so therefore it’s not just a question of a quick fix to what he’s flipping out about, it reassuring him that everything is alright, safe and secure and getting him back into the feeling of wellbeing.
Tantrums are a hard one as there’s no generalized rule. It depends on the journey and his build up to it and what he needs.
My favourite tool is to quiet yourself when he’s flipping out, close your eyes and try to feel what he’s going through as you hold him in your arms or sit beside him, depending what he lets you do. Suddenly you can get a sense of what it’s about and the solution falls into place. Also, hold an image or feeling in your inner self of who you know your son really is, that way he can sense it and feel his way back. Not only will the energy shift in the room, but you will be connecting yourself, providing him with the example and also opening yourself up to what’s needed in the moment.
I find that being aware of energy is important in a tantrum moment, as it becomes easy for us to fall into the same feeling space as our children are in. We can get panicky and disconnected. In order for them to feel their way back it’s important for us to stand in a different feeling space, if that makes sense. We can be calm and secure, providing love and warmth, or if it feels right, create a feeling of lightness to balance things out. Often a change of scene is key too, as it shifts the energy that the child is in and pushes the reset button on life. Many a time I’ve rushed a child outside, carrying them in my arms as they flipped out, only to have them connect again in fresh air. I’ve also taken them just to another room and it seems to shift perspective in how they feel. The build up disappears. If we sense that distraction is needed but it won’t work, we can put on a favourite movie or music in another room, which will create a different energy, to see if our children can choose to feel better by joining it.
It’s taken me a long time to come to realize that it’s about feeling spaces and not words and when our children sense a different feeling option they often are willing to quit the one they are in and jump on board. They usually can shift pretty quick when it’s in their feeling vicinity as they don’t have some sense of having to ride the course of a mood like we do as adults. They feel the better feeling option and will jump in quickly. Becoming aware of how we feel is such a valuable tool for life, so it’s important to provide them with the opportunity to feel better rather than something to make them feel better, which so often we are tempted to do.
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