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2.5 year old asking about grandfather's death

I wonder could you give me a little advice? My Dad passed away 3 weeks ago, he was a huge part of my daughter’s life, she's 2 1/2. She asks where he is and I hold it together to explain, Grandad is gone to live with Nana in Heaven. My mam passed away before my daughter was born and she knows from Mams picture who she is etc. The thing is, she keeps asking my brother - What happened to Grandad? My poor brother can't answer it's like it hits him with a ton of bricks when she asks, I'm thinking she's not happy with my explanation and wants another? I've told her that grandad missed nana so went to live in heaven with her and that he's ok and not sick anymore.

I just wondered if you have any advice with this. I've asked her does she miss grandad and she said yes and I said I miss him to and that's ok etc. Just don't know if I'm missing something or should be saying something else.

I understand your very busy so no problem if you can't reply but if possible any advice would be much appreciated.

I’m so glad you wrote and would love to try to help.
I am so sorry for your loss. Dealing with a death in the family as well as trying to deal with its effects on our children is a difficult balance. I hope you are finding the time to grieve yourself and find the connection you need. It is totally natural for your daughter to be questioning things regarding the death of your father. Children have a stronger sense of the eternalness of spirit so the concept of him suddenly being gone will stir up a lot of questions for her. There is also always the issue of a child facing the fact that since one person is suddenly gone, it could happen to anyone.
When events happen that we have to answer our children’s questions there and then we often find that we don’t really know what we think ourselves, and unfortunately our children pick up on our own lack of conviction. Therefore, I would suggest taking some time to tap into your deepest version of yourself and getting a sense of what you believe deep down. Personally, as I was just telling a friend of mine today in fact, I find that death breaks down walls, and in thinking of the person who has passed we can get a sense of them, reassuring us that they are eternal beings, always around. When we’ve tapped into our own eternal states, we feel stronger about our belief in them and therefore when we speak of it, our children hear it clearer.
However, I think you’ve answered her question beautifully, clearly and well. It will probably delve into more complicated conversations as she gets older and I always find death an interesting way to start talking about spiritual matters to small children. For instance, “their body stopped working so they left it behind” creates the idea that we are more than our bodies. There are also some wonderful children’s books out there that give it in simple, natural terms, which can offer a sense of what the life cycle is to a small child, without causing them concern that any of their loved ones are next.
As far as your brother is concerned, I would suggest to your daughter that she asks someone else. It’s alright to ask her to not talk about it to him as he is hurting because he misses Grandad so much. Tell her he needs her help to feel better, ask if she can play with him and help him in this time. Is there anyone else she can talk to, maybe his partner, or a cousin? If not, then keep it simple, you do well to point out you still miss him, as his body isn’t around to see, but you know he is still around, watching over you, giving you love.
I had a woman write in with a similar question once and I mentioned two things which I think she found helpful in the transition, for it is a transition and soon your daughter’s life will resume to the regular day to day, although always slightly different than it was before.
One point was to offer a sense of ritual to the event for your daughter. Something that ties it all together. A funeral of course is ritual enough, but not suitable for a child to really absorb, but a ritual in the sense of drawing a picture for her grandfather and burying it (which my daughter did for a friend of hers when she passed away), planting seeds or a tree for him, creating something, or even doing small things like writing things to him/drawing things for him in the sand and letting the waves take them to him (which a friend on the SAP page does for her daughter. She finds it very healing) I think this sense of ritual creates a bridge for our children, from the seen to the unseen. SO be creative and find a way of tying it all together.
Another thing to create a bridge is to take part in something life giving. Plant a garden, visit a farm with baby animals, go for a nature walk and see the offerings of spring, start a new activity, Take part in something life giving and enjoy it together.
Often, as we grieve it is natural to hold ourselves back, it’s to protect ourselves from hurt and hold us in a place of healing. But sometimes our children can be part of the process too. She may be wanting to understand more of what’s happening so she can meet you there, to be part of your process. You don’t want her oblivious to the issue, but meet her half way. Death is part of life, we miss those who go before us, but they are always around in love. Take part in the love, play, explore and be in the moment with your daughter. She will soon shift focus from the issue, only taking more part in the missing, and you will heal with the joy you have in the moment with her.
I hope this helps a bit. Please let me know if I can help in any other way or get into further detail.
Be well and thrive.

9 year old experiencing social trouble after dealing with father issues

My 9 yo daughter has had a terrible time with friendships for a few years now. Basically very low self worth and issues with a pathetic Dad she has shared custody with. he's emotionally manipulative, abusive, and withdrawn.

At school she is a very high achiever, academically gifted. She is also very creative, a true right thinker usually winning art awards.

Last year because of issues with her dad this resulted in her social skills suffering terribly. She alternated between bully-like behavior and being victimized. She has no malice I must make that clear. Her self esteem is low and faith and trust in people is non existent. Last year hormones struck too which compounded problems.
I want to help her but feel powerless. This year she has been separated from all her friends in the classroom via those parents' requests. My daughter is not stupid she knows their mums have told their daughters not to play with my daughter. How can I help my little girl deal with this?
Any advice welcome. Thank you.

I’m sorry to hear that you and your daughter have been through a rough time. Although it would be great to be able to offer you an answer to your daughter’s school problems and have it resolved quickly and easily, I feel that its best to suggest some foundational work first, and some of it might have to start with you. You are just as much an example to your daughter as your husband is and therefore by dealing with any trapped emotion you may have about him you may shift how she feels about people in general. First, I have to ask, whether you worry about your daughter being at her father’s house? Is it a question of her safety? Often, when spouses have different approaches and perspectives it can be a tool for our children to figure out exactly what they like, how they want to live and who they want to be. It can be a positive thing, and empower them to decide what they feel about it all, if we can bring it to that light. Therefore, provided you feel alright with the arrangements, and your instincts don’t suggest having them changed, then you and your daughter have to learn how to forgive your ex for who he’s chosen to be. By shifting the perspective to Love you can’t feel helpless. By telling your daughter that your ex made some bad choices, or doesn’t know any better, by reminding her and yourself of Who He is on a spiritual level, that he is acting from a place of disconnection and of bad feelings and must feel awful all the time, but to choose to send him positive intentions instead, you will offer your daughter a new perspective on humankind. We are all one. We are all positive spiritual beings who at our core are made of love. Sometimes people get disconnected from that... we all get disconnected from that, sometimes people do horrible things in that state of disconnection. It doesn’t mean she has to choose to even if her father has.
So forgive him (even if he is as bad as you say, and you are considering changing the custody agreement or not, even if he stops being part of your life at all, forgive him. You will always feel better.)
Choosing the path of love, and encouraging your daughter to do the same, will bring forth new options. It’s hard to get into the habit at first to not criticize or blame another person for everything that goes wrong, even if it is their “fault”. It’s not a question of blaming ourselves, just finding feeling better thoughts about the situation, such as “Yes, he did that, but in someways it taught me a lot.” Or “ It gives us opportunities to really decide how we want to live.” Softens the blows. Once our feelings “soften” regarding a situation, we shift our attraction point and things start to appear differently in our life.
The Law of Attraction is the universal law that like attracts like. whatever we are feeling we send out that energy and the law of attraction brings more things into our lives that feel the same. It’s a bit like how when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed, we always stub our toe or end up in traffic. When we chose to be positive and filled with love, focusing on the positive aspects of others and things, we attract more positive experiences and things shift.
Nine years old is a pivotal time for children (as a mother of a 9 year old and one who recently turned ten I can vouch for it.) They have so much information at their feet, from what they’ve gathered over the past 9 years, from the internet and from the people around them. They stand at the point of approaching teenagehood and are deciding what they like and who they want to be. It is a wonderful time to approach talk about the Law of Attraction and universal truths.
Yes, she may feel like a victim, but she knows deep down that she is a positive spirit, who came here with a purpose. She is important and the situation she is in, and has been in, has been designed to offer her choices and understanding. She gets to choose what she does with the information.
We get what we give, it never fails. When we treat people badly we send off the energy of that and it always comes back to us. So pass on to her the tool of treating people how she wants to be treated, no matter how they treat her.
She doesn’t like it when people treat her badly, so she can’t treat others as such. It’s the game we came to play.
Now, passing on fundamentals like this can take some time, and I would suggest some pragmatic things as well. Consider doing yoga together, or starting some meditation classes or tapes together. Also, consider enrolling her in some social thing on her own, so she can meet new people and not be seen as who she has been acting as, rather as who she really is. If she is passionate about art, than an art class or something at an art gallery could give her a chance to meet people who like the same things as her and she will feel more comfortable with.
With my own daughters of this age I find that I am shifting into the place of being a friend and confidant, letting them make their choices, but being there to remind them there are choices, not a set route. I remind them of how proud of them I am, for who they are and who they can be. I try to spend time laughing and playing with them, chatting over things on the computer or having special shows we watch at night together. Right now, at this time, I am trying to build a feeling of a fun relationship together. It feels wonderful and the natural course of things as we build toward becoming friends, and it means they always have a safe place to come, a place to smile, be positive, and feel like their truest selves.
I feel like I’ve written this a little blind, going on what I feel is happening in the situation. If I’ve gotten it wrong and you would like to fill me in on more details, please do so, or if you would like to discuss anything further, just ask.
Be well, happy and thrive.
Christina

Mother dealing with telling her 2.5 daughter about grandfather's death

I very much enjoy and feel inspired by your posts and hope this finds you well. I'm struggling with the recent sudden death of my dad and more so in explaining where papa is to my bright wonderful 2-year old (25 months) daughter. She asks if he is in the hospital, ambulance, his house, car, cafe and today asked if he was far away. I am trying not to fill her with concepts of heaven and angels that I fear may later invite religious and other limitations but instead have been responding each time to what comes up without saying anything untrue for momentary ease (I.e. avoiding saying he's away for a while or in hospital etc. I want her to be open to what I hope - that he is still with us but in a different way to before and that although we can’t go and visit him in the same way as before, we might still see, hear and feel him and have been trying to say this to her but not sure she understands. I also don't want her to think the rest of her close family could just disappear like he did (even though I know now the brutal truth that we can). It is all desperately heartbreakingly difficult at this time and I would appreciate any suggestions at all that you may have (perhaps you have experience of this?) whenever you find a moment to share.


I am so sorry to hear about your sudden loss. I know this must be a painful time for you and I commend you on your focus being on making your father’s transition easier for your young daughter.
First, what you want your daughter to see death as is completely right. We are all positive beings of energy and these bodies simply are the form we take momentarily. There is no doubt in my mind that your father is still with you, simply in a different form. There is always comfort in knowing that when you think of him you call him forth, when you need him he is there. He was simply ready to see life from a different perspective.
By you seeing his passing like this you are actually passing it on to your child by example. I get the feeling that she is in fact sensing it and at her young age she will have a deeper understanding of it then she will be able to form into words.
Although our family hasn’t yet experienced the death of a family member our children have had death around them in various forms all their lives. We live on a farm and with that death becomes a part of life, mirrored by birth. My daughter also experienced a friend of ours, whom she was very close to, suddenly die. Our conversations regarding death have developed as our children have grown, and of course you are right to say that when we talk about death the evitable comes to our children’s minds: if it can happen to them, who else can it happen to? However, we are co-creators and your father’s passing and your daughter’s understanding of it, will launch you all to new places.
I find that at a young age the best approach is the simple and honest one. When our three year old son asks about any of our animals or friends’ passing I simply say “Their bodies stopped working so they had to leave them. But they are always around.” Usually it seems to just be accepted and only asked to go further when they are a little older, but when more questions are asked I suggest they close their eyes and imagine the person/animal with them, reassuring that when we think of them we can feel them and interact with them. That they are always with us.
Saying that, your daughter will also sense you’re grieving and that’s alright to be honest about too. It’s alright to miss the physical side of someone and to tell our children that is why we’re upset. It’s alright for them to feel sad too, which for us as parents is a hard pill to swallow.
Going back to your point that she might fear losing other people too, it’s a valid one and I won’t tell you it might lead to some reaction. When death struck close to our home when our son was only 18 months he needed to sleep in our bed for sometime and the few months that followed he seemed more attached. However, the fear of losing our family members always dawns on a child at sometime, and has to be dealt with. Simply reassure her that you aren’t planning on going anywhere at anytime soon. Tell her that you are with her and always will be. Hold her tight, carry her often and soon it will pass as a fearful thing. You will also find that spending extra time with her, enjoying her discoveries, distracting both of you with new games and wonders will make the healing process go easier.
Something that I feel is important is the ritual of death. Having done it for some of our deaths and not for others I realize that we healed from the ones we had rituals for easier than the others. This doesn’t have to be in the form of a funeral, which of course is traumatic for anyone, rather a personal ritual. This can come in the form of planting a tree in memory of the person, creating something for them, or even encouraging your daughter to draw pictures for her grandpa. My daughter, when our friend passed, drew a picture and then we planted it amongst some flowers as a way of giving it to her. A friend of mine has her son write letters in the sand. Acknowledging the person who has passed in this way creates a natural flow of understanding that they are still around.
Follow your instincts, and don’t worry that you will do harm. It is a hard time for you as well and your daughter will sense that. Talk about it, but then find some form of new life to distract yourself and your daughter will. Walk unfamiliar paths, learn about something new together, plant seedlings, get busy and enjoy each other’s company. For death is always the mirror of new birth and in taking part in life, understanding of the opposite comes naturally.

5 year old has tantrums when refused what she wants

Hi firstly i would like to say that i absolutely love your fb page I follow u daily and u bring me such Inspiration.
Right now I’m having major trouble with my 5 year old daughter she having the most amazing tantrums that if she can’t have something there and then she will scream and shout until she gets what she wants and i can’t seem to get it through to her that she can’t always have what she wants when she wants. Other to this she is well connected and an absolute beautiful and joy to be a part of her life. I’m at wits end as how i can approach this as I’ve tried everything to try and help her get through this. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

The age 5, like 3 was before, is such a difficult age to be. At that age we have all these opinions, all of these discoveries and questions and yet somewhere along the line people start to look at us differently. Whereas a toddler can be excused anything because they’re a toddler, and a 3 year old starts to get asked to do things but can still be “cute” and make people smile, getting away with things with a bit of charm, a 5-6 year old is suddenly facing the issue of growing up. It’s an age of awakening and it can be scary, unsettling and send a child into a hectic frenzy to make sense of it all. On top of all of that at 5 a child is usually starting school and there they are often a number, having to stick to a routine and follow the rules. There’s not a lot of space in a 5 year old’s life now to express their thoughts, their opinions, or even catch up to their own life story.
If your daughter is flipping out every time she can’t get her own way, it suggests that she doesn’t feel heard, that it is a battle to get what she wants and cute tricks aren’t going to work so she wants to force it. We all feel this way sometimes, let’s admit it. Many an adult has wanted to scream and shout when things aren’t going the way that we feel would suit us best.
I have a few suggestions.
First, try not to say no to her unless you have a good reason to say no. Often we say no and have to come up with an excuse to back up the no in the first place. Children sense this and it rings out as injustice. Allow conversations to build and take the time to hear her reasoning out. Often our children have good reasons for what they want, and even if its little things like needing extra time before bed to finish a game, when we give it to them they sense the fairness of the house. They then, in turn, understand why they need to be fair, so the system works. By shifting to a dialogue system of fair living, rather than her feeling like she’s always told what to do, and when to do it, she will feel free to start talking about her wants, rather than having to scream them to be heard.
When you talk about her tantrums do it when she’s not in one. You can do so in round about ways like if you see someone on tv screaming, or see a small child having a tantrum at the store. You can open up the conversation about how you never want to give things to people who scream at you, you never really hear them. Point out how you love it when she talks lovely and how nice it is to talk with her. If you feel like the direct approach is more you, do so with understanding at a time when you are having some downtime and when it feels right. You can ask her how she was feeling when it was going on, and tell her how it made you feel helpless and didn’t know what to do. Try not to imply that She MADE you feel bad, rather tell her your reasons for saying no and then say you felt trapped because you love to give her what she wants, but it felt wrong to do so. Ask her to talk to you about things she wants and make a deal to work as a team, where you are both fairly treated by each other.
If, even if you’ve given your reasons for saying no, and you’ve talked about things openly and fairly, she continues to have tantrums you can start passing on the golden rule. Ask her if you scream and shout at her when you want her to do something? Does she want you to? What sort of house would it be? (Are her friends shouting for what they want?) Tell her that you are ready to listen when she wants to talk, tell her you love her and you are there for her. If she’s open for a hug then give one, as her disconnection must be paining her, if she’s not ready for a hug sit quietly and wait for her to come to you, breathing deeply, focusing on love and compassion within yourself and changing the energy of the room for her. Often when our children create a negative scene it fills the house up with so much frustration we react to it. When we refocus the feeling space of the home it can breathe again and our children can connect again and work things out with us. If she asks what you are doing be honest and tell her.
Since this is the age of awakening, when she flips out and feels bad for not getting something simple, you can always ask her if she really wants to feel bad over a thing? I find that when I empower my children to see how they feel as a choice they can take a step back and choose. I usually go through thoughts that could help them feel better, such as appreciating the things they already have, or thinking about things they love to do or play.
Lastly, in this hectic time of your daughter’s life as she grapples with new ideas and expectations take some time and just play with her. Give her some time to be little again, with cuddles at night, or a good pillow fight. Try some calming activities together, such as yoga (there’s great books or YOGA PRETZEL activity cards on amazon), coloring, or taking walks. Start her noticing how she feels inside by offering contrasting situations. Playing frantically followed by sitting quietly with candles, fast kids shows on tv to peaceful music. Start taking some quiet time together before bed to connect and feel a different vibration than the frantic day to day activities.
I hope this helps and I would love to hear how it progresses. Your daughter sounds like a strong minded young woman, with strong ideas and an independent spirit. She just needs to know how to direct her power and to use it to feel good. She’s just the age to start learning.

Moving home with a 3.5 year old

I am emailing today to ask for your advice. I am the mother of a three year old boy. My son has gone through a lot in this past year including have a tumor (non-malignant) removed from his lung. All my sons life I have lived with my parents for 1. I divorced my sons father while pregnant and had no other place to go and 2. my mother is chronically ill and I take care of her. Why I am emailing and asking for advice with is due to family dysfunction caused by my very unstable and drug addicted sister with three children herself- I find it is time to move. The stress and the fights are not what I want my son growing up in. I myself grew up in this mess and want nothing like this around my son. My son is a very resilient and strong willed child but he is very attached to his grandfather. Why I am emailing is how do I make this move less stressful on my son. How do I effectively communicate why we are moving and our new home will be somewhere else. I am so afraid of doing more damage to my son then if we just stayed unhappy and hurt all the time in this mess at my parents. I am twenty five years old and a single mom it's time for me to separate myself from this mess. My son and I still co sleep and I strongly believe in attachment parenting. I know my son feels loved by me and my parents but how do I facilitate a separation without hurting my son. Any advice you can share would be greatly appreciated. I do not normally reach out ot strangers about my problems but when it comes to my son I will do anything. Thank you for your time.

First I want to tell you how impressed and in awe I am of your bravery and commitment to creating a better life for your son. You should have no doubt that you are making the right decision. Good for you.
Personally, I don’t think your son will have problems with the transition. I think he will know instinctively that it is to create a better life, a prettier life, and will appreciate it as it sounds like the current situation is literally taking his breath away. We respond physically to negative situations and our bodies literally give us indicators of what we are living. If he has already had health problems at his young age, starting a new life in a new home is the best thing for him.
Saying that, introduce the topic to him as an exciting adventure. Talk about the new home, go and see it, and make him part of the process. Talk about what you will do there, what you will bring that he has in the old home, and how you want to create a place that feels nicer. Children understand how places FEEL, so start the journey with that as a focus. When you move, make it as stress free as possible, not worried about his routine, going by his cues regarding setting the place up, eating on cardboard boxes as tables, stopping to play for a bit and then setting things up after he’s gone to sleep. Make it fun and he will go with the flow. He’ll sense that things already feel different, and he will probably relax into it, relieved.
Regarding his grandfather, I’m assuming you are staying in the same area, am I right? If he asks about when he will see your dad, tell him you’ll be having him over and you think it would be nice to have a place for your dad to visit which feels nicer than your parents’ house. Have your father over, or even help with the move if he would. Visit your family once you are set up, so that a new routine is set up. If you can’t then do a Skype visit and let your son show your father around his new house.
On a personal note, I was living at my folks when both our daughters were born. When we left they were young, but had known no other home and I was worried it would shake them and leave a scar. It hasn’t at all, and as long as they had the security of my arms they were fine. Since then, we’ve moved often, each time I’ve wondered how they would deal with it, and as long as we’ve brought what things they cherish, they were fine. Our 3 year old just moved again, this time back to Canada from the UK, and since we set it up as a new adventure, with fun, new things to do, he’s thrived with it, occasionally mentioning things he misses, but eager to do all the things he can over here. Life is about the Now, and as long as we make it a joyful, fun now, our children adapt quickly and are eager for more.

visiting grandmother stressing house out

Your posts having been coming to mind frequently lately, as my mother has come to stay with us temporarily and the stress level as we all make this transition has been unusually high. My 3 y/o son's behavior has often been hyper, distracted, aggressive, "defiant," etc., ...generally "off" and I can tell he's really not his usual grounded self. I've particularly wondered about how to know when to follow his lead and when to be more directive about how we respond to a stressful moment. I realize that might be a rather vague question to raise, but if you have any particular thoughts on the matter, I'd be interested in hearing them. Again, many thanks for sharing your insights and inspirations.

First, I find that the first thing that disconnects our children is the dichotomy shift and how they are suddenly perceived. If usually your son has a routine, but also gets a lot of time being talked with, being listened too and has a voice in the household, often when guests come, especially family who we sit and chat to, our focus shifts and our children can’t get a word in. On top of that, for some reason when we are around our families our children can fall into being “the children”. Our parents are often from a generation that sees them as that. Therefore, suddenly they are expected to act in a certain way, like things that “children” like, sit quietly while the “adults” talk and basically they feel like the world has caved in. The rhythm of the house has been disturbed, and like I said in my post tonight, they won’t know it’s not forever. It’s easy to get disconnected over it, and easy to understand why he might start acting unlike himself.
Another thing that adds to it, is as he feels your stress, he might want to try to help connect you. He might try to convince you that he knows what you should do to feel better, which might be as simple as playing a game he wants to play, or checking something out with him, rather than talking to your family or dealing with life. He may be finding it frustrating that he can’t fix the house’s feeling state.
It’s not as dire as it may sound. It just takes being a little creative.
See if you can find some connection time with him. Every mother accepts the fact that we need to do some things with our children, such as bath time or bed time. Stretch them out a bit. You’ve got a great excuse with the holidays being over, you can say you want a bit more “routine” (another word most mothers understand) and then take that time with the door shut to spend time with your boy. Read stories, play a quiet game, talk, connect. Make him laugh, find out if he’s ok, talk to him about your mom and how she is YOUR mom, which he may find an interesting thought. Tell stories about growing up, tell him that soon things will be back to normal, but that since she’s your mom, you love her and it’s important to make the home feel pretty for her, to make it full of love. Make your time with him, connection time. You can even start a little bit of meditation with him, or appreciation lists, by just sitting quietly, in front of a candle, or just focus on both of you breathing. He’ll appreciate it if you point out how things have been stressed (or I like to say fast with my 3 year old) and you want to feel better.
You’ll find that by taking the time to de-stress and play with your boy, you will feel better too, and as you connect with his inner self you’ll see more opportunities to involve him in the day.
In the day, when you can’t involve him see if you can set him up with some distracted activity so he doesn’t get caught up in any stress of the house. Set up Playdough, art, a new truck, a cardboard box, plan it even the night before, to start him on a journey, will help him feel better and connect to his true essence.
One last thing, before bed, try to take some YOU time. Breathe deeply, focusing on each breath, appreciate little things and find the connection spot where you feel truest to yourself. Relax and let the situation flow. It’s alright for us and our children to have challenging situations, in fact it may be its just what we all need to grow and expand the way they wish and it defines more what we want and what we don’t. Allow it to flow as it should and you will find each day is easier to deal with any stress that comes your way.
Be well, happy and thrive and I’d love to hear how things progress.

3 year old challenging parents, discipline doesn't work.

Hello i am a first time mother. I have a 3 1/2 yr.old son who is going through let's see how much we can test mommy & daddy stage. He constantly says no to everything you ask him to do. Time out's, taking away of the toys, etc. does not work at all with him. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

3 years old and the year that follows are momentous for our children, and often challenging for us as parents! It is this time that our children go from being babies to full blown people, with their own thoughts, opinions and decided upon wants, that have been decided upon over the past few years of observing what’s around them. They have explored, pondered and questioned and quite frankly we’ve answered most of the questions about what’s around them. By three they are eager to explore new territory, and if we don’t spark new interest, new challenges, they just turn off and disconnect from their true nature. Also, as they look for new challenges, suddenly we feel like we’re on a battle ground of their will vs. ours and we start to refuse them a lot more rather than encouraging their explorations as we did when they were younger.
It’s a time when we as parents start to introduce how we work as a family. Often it comes in the form of control, (“we’re the parents, you’re the kid, you have to do as we say or suffer the consequences”) It can work for a time, but it wears thin as they become more determined to have their say and we have to try to maintain control. However, it’s the hierarchy that we have in our minds, because it’s the way it’s always been. What I like to encourage in a family is a team effort, a little bit of give, a little bit of take and everyone trying to be considerate to each other. It takes some time to establish, and even to form in our own mindset so don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Life, especially parenting, is a journey with the outcome sometimes unclear.
Saying that, your son may be saying no all the time because he feels that’s what’s done. In order to reset the household a little, try a day of YES. As much as possible set some time aside where he can do as he wants, or at least safe versions of it. If he wants to play cars, get on the floor and play with him, ask him what he wants for lunch, what he wants to wear. Give him what you want to be given. Then if you need something, rather than telling him to do it, tell him about it, why you need it, why it works, and what the benefit is to it getting done. Point out the things that everyone does in the family, such as brushing teeth, bathing etc, when you need him to do things that everyone else does. I find that with our 3 year old he loves to do the things his dad does as he feels bigger that way, so building on that note, see if Dad can ask him for help sometimes, or explain things to him. (My husband is often asked by me these days “Can you talk to him about this and this and why it’s dangerous... etc” and off they go for a guy to guy talk.)
3 years old is also a great time to talk about emotions, and how your boy is feeling. I’m just in the middle of writing my next book, and in it I suggest doing art projects with a 3-4 year old talking about how they feel. For 3-4 year olds frustration is the key negative emotion, as they are ready to try new things but get upset when they don’t nail it right away. So talking with them about what makes them feel good, what makes them feel bad, and that tight hurt inside that’s frustration helps them express what they are feeling. I like to get them to draw emotion, just with colors on paper, imagining how they feel and then drawing how they feel. It helps with the talking.
I also find that night time is a good check in point. Before bed it helps to ask them questions about anything they are thinking about, are worried about, things that upset them, things that feel good. Night time can get so rushed, but if a child is listened to at night, and considered then in the morning they feel like they can connect at that level too.
Communication is so important on this next stage of the journey. I try never to say no unless I can find a true reason. When I started on this path with our two girls, I would say no and then look for the reason why they couldn’t do something. It was silly. It feels better to say yes, unless you can say, “no... because”. A child is always wondering why and when we explain everything and take the time to tell them how things work, they respect our no’s more. Sometimes it means being really blunt, “honey, I’m sorry you can’t use the knife until you have bigger hands, I love your fingers so much and this knife could cut them off.” Following up with something they can do “here, can you stir this with this spoon instead.” Usually gives room to grow and learn.
One last thing. In this dawning of your son’s new interest in being involved, involve him more. If you’re washing dishes, let him wash some in a different pot, if you vacuum let him have a try, he might be good at it, and then he’ll get fed up. He can help carry, he can help move things, he can help. I am forever amazed at the capacity of understanding and ability our 3.5 year old has and at the sparkle in his eyes when we take his ideas and suggestions seriously.
Listen, communicate, have fun and create a team effort. By being what you want to see in him, you offer him the template for how to be and he’ll see it works well as a family affair.

Grandmother fears for her 3 year old grandson's home situation

Hello, My 21 year old daughter has a beautiful 3 year old son that she leaves with her boyfriend of 2 years, off and on, ( not the father) while she works full time. They do not live together (yet. Have talked about moving in together soon.) the boyfriend lives at home with his parents. My grandson has recently started crying whenever my daughter says they are going to the bf's house and says he doesn't like him. My daughter just ignores his cry and argues that they get along fine. However, I have witnessed on several occasions the bf being rude, bossy, demanding and very strict with my grandson. I've never seen him play with my grandson, or show him any affection, praise, or patience. The bf has even openly admitted that he doesn't have the patience to watch over S. (3 year old grandson.) Tonight I had to tell the bf to leave my home when he began yelling at S to stop crying and then began saying unprovoked, disrespectful things to me. I am in fear for my grandsons well being, safety, and health. And this is not just because of the bf's behavior this evening. My daughter has recently started denying S healthy snacks in the evening when he is hungry, saying that some doctor says its not good for him to eat hours before bed. Yet, S has no weight issues or any other health reasons for this restriction. She has also become very impatient with him and has even referred to S's behavior as being bratty and calls him her little brat! I've asked her not to do this and explained the harm that it causes, but she still does it and demands that I say out of her parenting her child. I am not able to watch over S while my daughter works, as I am also a single parent of two boys. One with a disability and on going issues with failed public school programs and placement. As well, once the school problems are resolved, I have to find work to support myself and the boys, as I receive no financial support from their father for the last 12 years. (Long court battles and no solutions provided so far.) and my daughter can not afford to pay for child care and has lost all funding from the state to cover child care costs. As well, I had to sign a contract that states my daughter would not be living with me past the age of 18, so that I could get help from the state, to pay my monthly rent. To top it all off, my daughter is now pregnant by the bf and is afraid if she ends the pregnancy the bf will no longer help her or even talk to her. She depends on him for financial help (thought very little), baby sitting, and has her car registered in his name because she can't pay off her tickets to get her license back. As of last week, he is helping her move in a studio where he is friends with the landlord. I understand that these are her problems, but her choices are now affecting my grandson and endangering him too. She is not open to listening to anything I have to say and admits she is not happy and that the bf is not a very nice person at all, but then says she has no choice because he is her only help. What can I do? I can't just turn my back knowing my grandson is being mentally, emotionally abused. Yet I can't help in any way financially, or otherwise to take care of my grandson either. S’s father lives at a rehab and does not take part in S’s life, by choice. It’s very heartbreaking. And again, my daughter will not listen to her own baby who tells her the bf is mean to him and to please not make him stay with him! It makes me sick inside!

When life gets as sticky as it seems to be with you and your family right now it can feel like there is no choices, no movement and it literally is being between a rock and a hard place. I can literally feel the stress come from each turn as I read your email, and quite honestly I sense it from your daughter as well. It must feel so hopeless to her to be in a loveless relationship, pregnant and worried about losing the financial support of her boyfriend. Through in the upset of her 3 year old boy, and also the upset of yourself, and she is in a hard place indeed. It seems like everyone is in a panic.
It is clear that the situation between your daughter’s boyfriend and your grandson has come to a head and can’t continue as its going. As a grandmother you have very little room legally, especially if you can’t manage to take care of him, and it sounds like your daughter is closing her eyes to the whole thing, probably because she’s scared what it means. Criticizing the boyfriend is just going to make things worse as it pushes her in a corner. She needs options. Personally, I would be on the look out for charitable neighbors or friends who could help a couple days a week once they know the issue or start asking around daycares (churches or other religious institutions may have solutions too once they know his immediate need), anyone who can offer your grandson a couple of hours reprieve a few times a week. It doesn’t have to be a complete solution, just lightening the load of the boyfriend by a few days, maybe adding an afternoon or two by you.
We can’t change people, no matter how much we wish we could sometimes, and we can’t make their choices for them. The only choice we ever have is to be the best version of ourselves we can be and to offer others the chance to be the best they can be. You stand as the grandmother, a position that I can tell you take seriously and passionately. Your grandson is very lucky to have you as an advocate. At the same time you are a mother, and your daughter is still young. Therefore, on an emotional and energy level, you have a strong position. You can offer change, but it’s best done on an energy, feeling space level, which will then effect the whole picture.
Perspective is a strange thing, for what and who we are around can convince us that we only have certain choices, and when those run out, we can see a situation as hopeless. Also, when we see people and know them by the actions they present to us, we hold them to that concept of themselves, we see them in their worst light, and then they have no space to rise to if they want to improve. I like Abraham Hicks’ analogy comparing it to a high school reunion, people always see us as who we were and when we are seen in that light, we feel we have to act the same as we were, rather than the newest version of ourselves.
I would suggest that the situation can be helped by shifting the feeling of the whole thing. It seems like you would like to be able to take care of your grandson, but it doesn’t have to be that drastic. It sounds like you still see him quite often. Therefore, rather than putting the focus on what your daughter is saying or doing, or her boyfriend, shift from the problem and look at your grandson as himself, as a three year old. He needs feeding love and that’s what you can give him. Encourage him, notice him, take part in his world. Play with him, no matter how much the adults want to talk, make your home a place of laughter and wonder that he can relax into whenever, no matter how infrequently, he walks through the doors. Be the grandma that “gets” him. He chose his parents and his situation. Before he was born he knew his life would start just as it has. The danger comes when he grows up thinking that’s all there is. By having you he has the two sides of the coin and can decide how he wants to be. Be the light, be the listener, talk to him about his time at your daughter’s boyfriends, offer support, tell him you’re waiting to see what you can do, but right now you don’t know the right answer. Remind him that you love his mother very much and that times are really rough right now. Be his trustful confidant. By seeing the best in him, by taking joy in his company, the energy will start to shift, and your daughter may start to see him through your eyes, rather than through the eyes of her boyfriend’s. You will be acting the change. It may even influence her boyfriend as well. It will also provide your grandson with a balance, seeing a different version of himself.
Another thing you could do is open up the problem to a higher power. As you know my advice is centred in Spiritually Aware Parenting. With that comes the understanding that there is deeper mechanics working in everyday life, and when we shift our focus, asking for help and then releasing the outcome, new options come. When we have problems, it’s so easy to let that become the focus, but each problem has a solution on its flipside. When we stop spinning around the problem and release it to whatever we perceive a higher power to be, we allow the solution to flow in. Therefore, take a moment to stop, sit quietly, focus on your breathing, appreciate what you have and those in you love, ponder on the little things that give you joy. When you feel better, when you feel true, relax and offer the problem up. You can write it down, or simply state it to yourself, even if it’s vague. “I would like my grandson to have a joyful home life.” Or “I wish my daughter would find happier solutions.” Whatever feels right to you. Then trust. I have experienced answers incredibly quickly, solutions literally appearing out of nowhere overnight. You never know what will happen, and what will help. Just asking, and then trusting it will flow in, starts to shift situations to better feeling options. Just say yes when they show up, for you never know where they will lead.
Life is ever flowing and things can change quickly. It is a question of being true to ourselves and following our gut instincts to things. If something feels off then admit it and try to find a feeling better option. But if something feels right, even if logically it doesn’t add up, then sometimes we have to take the plunge and see where it leads. Remind your daughter that she is worthy of great love and happiness. Encourage her, knowing that she is in a rough spot and must be scared. Her boyfriend must be overwhelmed as well and it sounds like he is trying to voice his concerns.... just badly.

Lovely boy shows aggressive behavior to friends

Hi, Just wondering what kind of advice you have relating to children that show aggression. My 4 year old started acting out aggressively around 18 months old and sometimes - very randomly and in the middle of play/ fun by hitting or pushing other kids and throwing other children's toys. We have tried to help him learn different tools but it doesn't seem to stop and has lead to heart breaking expulsions from play dates and preschools that I worry may negatively affect his self esteem and know we need to help him stop the behaviors before going into kindergarten. Any advice on this subject?

It sounds like your son is an only child, so I’ll treat it as such, please let me know if I’m wrong in this. It’s rather an important point as in large families I feel aggression can come from not feeling fairly treated or from not feeling heard by other people, so they force their own will physically. For only children who don’t have to worry about getting a fair helping, or making sure they get the same as their brothers and sisters, it comes from a different place. Now that your son is 4, he’s ready to start dipping into a deeper understanding of human relationships. Since he’s been aggressive for so long, then it may be a hard habit to break, but usually once the concept clicks within him, he’ll see how it all works.
I’ve noticed that often children can’t grasp the concept that people and children around them are actually PEOPLE. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that how we feel matters, but other people don’t feel at all. They become walking shadows, or walking trees as my mother use to say. We see them, we hear them, but imagining them having a life outside of their interactions with us is difficult. Therefore, your son doesn’t seem to understand that his actions hurt other people, they are simply ways of getting what he needs , when he needs it. It makes sense and it has worked up to this point to a degree, although as you pointed out, its lead to being socially excluded. It’s time for some pragmatic solutions to help your boy find a deeper connection with those around him.
First a little craft to do on a rainy day for you to do together. It will open up the conversation a bit and get him thinking. Its called a Golden Book, and its the start of introducing the golden rule. Make a small book, just stapled pieces of paper, or a notebook, unless you want to give it a cardboard cover and get him to decorate it. Within the book on the left hand pages write on the top “How I like to be treated when I’m playing.” “How I like to be treated when I have a headache.” “How I like to be treated when I have something to say.” “How I like to be treated when I’m playing with my favorite toy.” “How I like to be treated when I’m mad.” “How I like to be treated when I’m sad.” Adding any you feel suit him better. On the opposite page to each one, ask the opposite, i.e. “How I DON’T like to be treated when I’m playing.” Etc. Then, sitting with him and doing it until he gets fed up, get him to draw a picture of each example. As this starts him thinking about how he likes to be treated, then you throw in the next step. You teach him the simple phrase “You Get What You Give.”
How we treat others, the feeling we make them feel, is how we feel later. Other people will treat us the way we’ve treated others. He is a powerful little boy and what he does matters. So often we want our children to behave because of other people, but it creates a different element when we tell them we want them to treat others better because of what it does to them themselves. Once the information is passed on, and you’ve told him about this concept, then it goes into example giving.
If he’s about to hurt someone, or grab something, ask him simply “Do you want people to do that to you?” You can ask further by saying “Should Dad and I act like that? What would happen if we all did it? We’d have an awful house, wouldn’t we? I can’t imagine we’d have much fun.” The Law of Attraction is the universal law which states that like unto itself is drawn, so what we put out there, feeling wise, we get the more of the same. Now 4’s a little young to start teaching about that, but not in principle. If he’s acting aggressively, keep an eye out for things that upset him, or frustrate him afterwards. Notice when he’s not happy, dancing about, playing, after he’s been mad at his friends, and simply draw his attention to it, asking if he thinks it’s possible that he’s feeling that way because he wasn’t being very nice to others.
You can then make it a game. Ask him to try it out. To see if when you both go out, you treat people really, really well. You smile, you talk to them, play at making people feel good, see how many people you can make smile, then make it a lot of fun doing it, and go out for ice cream after and talk about how good it feels. Go over the top at making it a lovely afternoon, so that he can really feel the difference within himself: When he’s nice and fair, when he’s interacting with people on a positive level, he feels good. When he’s aggressive and only self focused, he feels bad.
If he started his aggression at 18 months, he’s been in this feeling space/perspective for a really long time. It might take some time to really get him to FEEL the difference, but once he does it will become harder for him to go back to the way it was.
Saying that, make sure that your house is ringing out the way you want it to feel. Holidays are always stressful, so this year try to keep the stress at bay, and relax and laugh. Try to keep the other members of the house mindful of their expression of frustration and aggravation, asking them to back up how they feel like “Oh I feel so upset, I better go for a run.” Or “I feel so awful inside, I hurt someone’s feelings.” Or on the positive “I feel great, I helped someone.” It’s all about drawing awareness to how your son is feeling within himself, rather than improving his outward behaviour to others.
We all like to feel powerful, and although aggression can make us feel powerful at the moment, becoming aware of being in charge of how we feel, learning how to do things to make ourselves feel better, and claiming our own emotions is far more empowering and then you don’t have to worry about self esteem.
Another thing that may help. Sometimes children are so scared of "tattling" when they are feeling upset that they forget they can go to adults for help. It can be empowering for a child to know that even if they don't know why they feel upset, they can go and sit with adults for a minute "just to calm down". If your son starts to learn the feeling just before doing something rash, then he can stop it before it happens. If he doesn't want to go to adults for a break, offer him the bathroom trick and tell him to say he has to go the bathroom. Then he can go in there, sit for a few minutes, count to ten, maybe think about things he loves and appreciates and then go back to playing.
One last thing, and it’s a hard one, with it having gone on for so long. Try not to expect bad behaviour from him when he’s around other people. Try not to talk about it as the normal thing for him to do, such as warning him not to do it. Start to imagine him not doing it, imagine him playing with friends with consideration, and giggling with you about what fun he had. By doing this it gives him room to shift and grow into the newer version of himself. Try to introduce him to new friends, as older ones will see him as the way he was and he will return to the old feeling space (not unlike all of us when we go to a reunion.) Start him off with one child, for a half an hour, and then praise him after for what a good friend he was if and when he does well. Use baby steps, expecting the best.

Parents having problems getting toddler to bed

Hi Christina, We always had problems with “sleeping”. Since he was little baby and we ended up with co-sleeping. Only recently we got him to sleep in him own bed, (even if still in our room) and I think we succeeded because his brother sleeps in his own bed… In the evening after dinner we sit altogether in front of tv and watch a film for the older one. Actually we practically watch only his films…. At a certain point we prepare him, put pajama on, wash teeth and ask him to go to bed…(this is around 21h00/21h30) And then begins the struggle….You can be sure, that even if he is exhausted he won’t sleep…Till everybody is not in bed he won’t be quiet…he runs around, he gets off the bed, he goes in the bathroom and eats toothpaste…The first 5/6 time my husband and I, we are calm, but after 2 hours of repeating we go crazy… I think he wants us at bed with him. I do understand that he doesn’t want to be alone and he wants to play…but my husband and I need also some time just for the 2 of us…maybe we had to impose it earlier…but what to do now?

Ah yes! It’s a delicate balance really, as we all need the shut off point, when our children are asleep and we can stop, spend time with our partners and ourselves and feel whole again. All my children have resisted bedtime at some point, or woken up after being asleep to find me again. However, I’ve learnt a few things along the way that may be of interest.
First, I’ve noticed that the more important it is to me that they go to sleep early, whether it’s because I feel I have to get something done, or I want some time with my husband, or I’m just tired myself, the more I push the more they resist. Drifting to sleep is a process of energy, it is when we connect with our spiritual selves for the night, and therefore how our children feel before sleep, both within themselves and around themselves, effects the process of getting to sleep. Whenever I’ve been in a place of worry or frustration that they won’t get to sleep, the longer it takes for them to drift.
Therefore, I would allow it to be a process over a few weeks to get your son peacefully to bed, rather than expect instant results.
I couldn’t tell by your message whether you lie down with him to put him to sleep or whether you put him in bed for him to put himself to sleep. I have found that lying down with children, actually calming them down, drawing with my finger a picture on their back, walking them through a visualization (my daughter use to love to go to sleep hearing about a garden that she walked into, we would describe the flowers, pick some fruit, there was a pet donkey, and then she would sit under a tree for a picnic, which was the sign it was time to sleep). I have then sang them to sleep with a lullaby, often tracing my finger across their third eye, just between the eyes, and letting it gently move down their nose. What I’m trying to say I guess is the wind down is about a feeling space, it’s an energy wind down, that will soon have them relaxed and drifting, happily.
Once my daughters became passionate readers I found that I missed putting them to sleep as it was a special time between the two of us. We spoke slower at bedtime, quieter and it was always a time that they could ask questions and express concerns. Even now they are older, I have had all my important conversations with them at bedtime, and on those occasions, I’ve had to let the early nights go, just for the perfect timing of it all.
I know I've suggested watching a movie as good bonding time in the past, but after hearing about his behavior for bedtime, maybe this was the wrong suggestion. For some electronic devices can make them full of energy and highly strung. Perhaps the special time could be taken to the bedroom, with you or your husband reading him a story, slowing things down, singing to him, and putting him to sleep together? You could even make it earlier so that you have more time together after.
We are often told that when we start something with our children there’s no going back and we have to push them to grow up. From co-sleeping, your son is now going to sleep in his own bed, that’s fantastic. but sometimes it’s a 2 step forward, 1 step back motion. He may need the security of feeling you close to him at night sometimes, or simply before going to sleep. I find that although bedtime is usually seen as a routine that should be able to be relied on, in truth it’s an each night, for its own night. Setting the mood, the energy, calming the house down, and letting our children take part in the idea of slowing life down so it makes room for quiet stories, cuddles, looking at stars, relaxing into the magic around them, and then finally drifting off to sleep.
Therefore, create bedtime as a special quality time, so your son enjoys it and you enjoy it too, maybe your husband can get in on the calming space as well, so you can let the three of you relax in each other’s company. By doing so, you won’t be pushing against him being awake, and him sensing you really want him to sleep, and by releasing the pushing, you will allow it, and he will get to sleep all the faster.

Mother is being advised to have authority over 2.5 year old son.

Dear Christina, I read daily your posts on FB and I appreciate them a lot…They correspond to my parenting philosophy. Unfortunately lately I have some problems at home, so I think asking your advice on what I’m living… I have 2 little boys. One 2 ½ years old and the other is just 3 month old. To describe them, one (the older) is a full energy little man and the other one is quiet and calm. They are both open to world, curious and smiley. Our parenting philosophy is much based on love, attention, listening and non punishment. But…In the last months, maybe because of the pregnancy, maybe because of the arrival of the brother, maybe because of the age (the terrible two) or maybe because of our “liberal” education style (the nanny says we don’t have much authority on him…), the older one is definitely more agitated and keeping calm is pretty difficult for us. He provokes us nonstop, moves constantly and never, never listens to us. It gets really difficult for us to enjoy time with him. Unfortunately we are also changing our way of acting. We have started shouting, punishing and I have to admit, even if I’m not proud of it, to spank him…As a result he shouts back and he gets even more difficult… 4 days the week for 5/6h hours the day, he goes to the nanny, where he spends time with other children his age and has lots of activity. Apparently with the nanny he is the same sweet and nice boy. I feel lost because I don’t want to build this kind of conflict relationship with my boy. (I have this kind of relationship with my mother and I know how much pain there is behind) But I don’t know what to do. I have been meeting a psychology and she says I should gain more authority. She agrees that spanking is not a solution, and suggests me to adopt bad looks and stern voice when he is naughty and close him in his room…So I’m applying her suggestions, but I’m not sure that this is the right solution… I feel his loneliness and his sadness when we argue. I perceive his feelings of not being understood…but in the same time it is difficult to handle him in this way. I’m tired and exhausted. I’m afraid of doing mistakes, to hurt him, to be a bad mother…And I love him so much…. What to do to recreate harmony?

I’m so glad you wrote to me. Let’s see if I can help.
First, your little boy sounds wonderful. He sounds energetic, alive, full of emotion and able to feel them to the fullest. I noticed you say he can’t sit still, I have one like that, in many ways I see it as feeling their emotional state so much that it literally physicalizes, which for me is fascinating. Children who feel strongly and so fully are great teachers, and can develop a deep understanding of spiritual things. I also find they can shift direction quickly and go from feeling off to on in a blink of an eye. It just takes getting it to click. It sounds like that what both you and your son are looking for. That connection point where it clicks, where you see your boy in front of you again and he feels safe and secure in himself again.
It’s interesting how everyone is advising you to form a position of more authority. It is the easy, quick fix solution, but I sense in you that if feels off. No matter what, you have to stay true to your instincts, your inner gut feeling and does what feels most yourself. Parenting can be a rough road, but when our children grow up its best to be able to stand high and say we stayed true to ourselves.
Now first, I’m going to go a different route than I normally do. Although it sounds like your son is having a spiritual time of it, I would like to suggest a physical one for you to try on. I suggest it because my daughter, who is full of energy and life much like your son is really effected by it, and it unbalances her. I would look into his diet and make sure he’s not having any food colorings or high sugar, as I notice in our children this challenges their connection. They can be connected while on artificial foods, but its a huge effort and if they are already disconnected it can push them over the edge. Like your son, they won’t be able to sit still, they won’t hear us (not even won’t listen they literally don’t hear us) and they get agitated easily. Provided we feed them plenty of leafy green vegetables, (when they were younger we’d blend them into their food or sprinkle dry ones into sauces) and they drink water not sugary drinks, they can have their on and off moments be true and not effected by outside influences.
Alright, with that said, onto the spiritual side,which is always so much deeper and rings more true.
You are right in the idea that probably your little boy is jealous of your new baby. There he was the centre of your parenting focus and suddenly someone else is there. He cries and he gets attention and seen to, and your little boy is of the age where its ok to wait a few minutes. It upsets me that your psychologist has told you to be stern to him. It makes sense that seeing you with a baby is going to stir up negative emotions in you, in fact he may be mad at you and feel you are unfair (even though you probably aren’t). He is experiencing disconnection because of what he sees and as you said, he feels alone, left out, and not understood.
You should be proud of yourself for feeling his emotions as you do. That is an indicator of being connected to our children, when we can feel how our children feel, and see the world through their eyes.
On top of his jealousy, leaving the home to go to a nanny is probably upsetting him to a point, as he doesn’t know if its just about you spending more time with the baby that has taken his place. I don’t know if he went before the baby was born, but even still, he leaves you alone with the baby when he goes and it probably cements the thought process going off in his lovely head.
My first suggestion is take some one on one time with him. If he doesn’t want to connect with you start a game on your own. Put on some fun music and dance, it will change the feeling of the home, you can be wearing the baby in a sling or carrier, or have him asleep, and then invite your boy to dance with you. Act silly, pull faces, try to make him laugh. Do head shoulders, knees and toes or some other action game. Get active with him. If he can’t sit still and won’t listen, its a form of play that might engage him. If you want calm, set up a time every night where its just you and him (and your partner) all sitting on the couch watching one of your son’s favorite shows, or a new one. Try to make it a calm, nice energy. Type up the old Paddington bears on Youtube, the ones from the 1970s, or Postman Pat, try Mr. Rogers. The great thing about shows like them is that they have elements the parents can enjoy as well, so it doesn’t feel like we’re just watching for our kids, its a group activity for everyone to enjoy. If he’s not listening, don’t bother talking. Create a fun element, at least once a day. Get him helping with baking, sweeping, or just make sure you play with him when he’s in the bath.
A 2.5 year old, in general terms, have a mission. They have explored the world around them to a point, and they understand it to a point. They are looking for the new exploration and they don’t know where to find it. When we keep them in the same routine with the same games etc, they get frustrated, as they crave more, but don’t know where to turn. Your son may be “behaving” at his nanny’s because a nanny’s job is to create a fun environment. They go on outings, they do crafts, they play music. They play and they keep it fresh. Try finding a new exploration when you play with your son. Get some new toys, go to a new park, take him to a zoo. Get crafty and show him how to glue, or make cars go down ramps. Get outside, show him nature, draw his attention to things to notice. Help him push through the blockage. He might resist it for a bit, but soon, if he senses you have fun in his presence, and you are engaging with him, he’ll start to shift to a state of connection.
Lastly, its important to not see him in his new light. As you know, this isn’t him, this is his reaction to the chaos his life has made him feel right now. Do your loving work when he’s not feeling off. Even if it means going into his bedroom at night, sitting beside him and just loving him, just looking at him and letting your heart lift, he’ll sense it and feel better for it. Take moments in the day to praise him, to hug him randomly, to smile at him. Send him love when he’s at his nanny’s, keeping him in your thoughts. Love, love, love him, with all of your might. Stern looks, and putting him in his room, is like shutting the love off, where really he doesn’t need to feel like he has to earn your love back.
If he acts out, then stop, breathe, look at him and ask him why he feels sad. Ask him if he needs a hug. Tell him if he screams, or is mad it makes the house feel bad, so how can you together make it happy. Then distract, distract, distract. Find a new exploration, mention a bird outside, pull a funny face. Find a way to connect to who you know he is, rather than who is presenting to you.
Its hard sometimes, and yes you are allowed to feel off, overwhelmed and like banging your head against a wall. This is a crazy time of transition for you as well, so let it be that. But trust me, when you start the wheel of love going, of laughter, of fun, it builds, each day gets better, its universal law.
Trust in your connection with your boy. He chose you, and when he did I’m sure he knew his brother would come at some point, he chose you so you could both go through this together and figure it out, together.

Mother asks how to stop defiant behaviour peacefully.

How can you get them to go to bed? How do you get them to stop screaming in your face w defiance? How do you NOT be the lion tamer when you have little crazy lions? I know I know - never get mad, never get frustrated, never swat, never yell, always breathe and speak softly. Well.... I'm trying.

I don’t say this a lot on here, but really, where do we get the idea that we can’t get mad or frustrated? Yes, I always say find the feeling better space and no we can’t hit our children, but our negative emotions are JUST as important as our positive ones. Sometimes, more important. Yes, children can make us feel mad or frustrated... so can partners, bankers, strangers and traffic lights. When they do... they don’t mean to. Rather it is within us giving us a sign that we’re reacting or seeing things from a place that isn’t from us. It does no good to block the emotion and pretend its not real. It’s very real and needs taming too. Parenting is a hands on spiritual experience as when we feel these things, even if we bottle them up, our children sense them and react to them... or at least offer more behaviour to back the feeling up. Therefore we have to change the feeling space that we live in, and they do to. Have you ever noticed that when you are feeling great then your children can play loudly, but when you feel off the noise can drive you crazy? Or when you are on they can ask questions that engage you and stay up late talking, but when you have a million things stressing you out or are super tired the same thing will have you climbing the walls?
We have to allow ourselves the off time, and we have to allow our children to know we’re feeling frustrated or mad. The trick is not to blame them for that. “I’m feeling mad inside” vs “You make me so mad!” Then they will see themselves in the same light and learn from you to experience all their emotions. We aren’t lion tamers... just bigger lions. Therefore honesty is in order. Depending on the age, explanations work, but even my three year old understands “you have to go to bed because your body needs more sleep than mine, so you can get big like Dad.” Followed by a “I’ll talk to you about tractors while we settle down, or I’ll tell your favorite story” Usually gets him up there and I get to have fun too if I’m not anxious that he won’t get there fast enough. Sometimes he might have something he has to do first. I like to be respected for my needs so I’ll let him have 5 minutes to do a bit of it. Screaming in your face? I usually reply “Would you like me to do that to you?” They usually say no. And then, when they talk the way I think they want to be talked to then I make sure I listen.
It’s a journey, a journey about ourselves as well as about them. For often when we feel negative emotions, they are just letting us know we don’t like the situation, but we can jazz it up, change the pace, make them laugh, make us laugh. It doesn’t have to be all about calm and peaceful. Little lions are sometimes trying to remind us that there is fun to be had and we sometimes get better response when we give them that one and jump in.

parents who differ in opinion regarding parenting

I have a question, and I will use the example of the other night at bedtime. I was in bed with my son reading books and ready to switch off the lights. He didn't want to go to bed but rather go downstairs and play. My husband (of the thought process that it is our responsibility to 'discipline' children) started shouting that he must listen to his mother and go to bed. Crying ensued. I on the other hand, because I've learned that my husband and I have different techniques, felt awful that I let this happen, then took my son downstairs for 10 minutes, said goodnight to the house, switched off all the lights with him and he peacefully, willingly came to bed... My question is: 1. How confusing must these two styles be to my son? I hate that I can't convince my husband on my parenting style when it so plainly is more effective?! And 2. How can I best manage that with my husband - he tells me I'm too soft and that I don't play any role of a disciplinarian and that my son has me wrapped around my finger and is manipulating me (which I know is not true! I allow him to act out whatever it is that he wants because I know it’s not harmful and just requires me to be patient, eventually we are back on the same page)...Such a great question and one that happens so often.

First, your son will understand that there are two approaches to the issue and will have a clear representation of it. That’s a great tool for the rest of his life. Quite honestly, he will appreciate yours in the long run and rather than it being taken for granted he will know that you respect his wishes, and learn to respect yours, he will feel listened to, and seen as a person. He will come across a lot of people who react as your husband and understand it on a deeper level as he grows. Unfortunately, it may build a wall between him and his father as time comes as he won’t feel like a person... just a child in his father’s eyes. But this is a common hurdle that a lot of parents overcome in time.
You can’t convince another person of anything and discipline has been the parenting model for a very long time. The only thing I can suggest is being honest, saying things like “I hated it when my parents tried to control me, I never did what they wanted me to do, or I just resented it.” Or “Do you like to be controlled?” or “When people don’t respect what I’m asking I feel alone, I don’t want him to feel that way.” If he says your son is manipulating you, then remind him you don’t want to manipulate your son to get to bed. You want a family that respects each other, and when a child is young it is often about showing that respect to our children, to set the bar. Reassure your husband that if your son starts asking too much, that you will ask for the same respect you are showing him and teach him to respect your husband’s and your wishes, so the family can be harmonious.
Your husband is doing what he feels is best and reacting to how he feels. That needs respect too. A family is a co-creation and you will all find compromises and ways of falling into step with each other. Helping his relationship with his son, you can encourage your child to be considerate of his father. “Your dad seems stressed tonight, lets take you up to bed to give him some quiet time.” Etc.
Also, if you ever want to get your husband in on this conversation, he is welcome to write to me too. My husband and I both started off this parenting journey thinking control was the order of the day, the joyful journey was discovered soon after we realized control just wasn’t working.
The mother's husband then wrote me, to express his perspective: Husband- At the current time our son throws tantrums for the smallest things it is basically whenever something doens't goes his way. As soon as his mother or anyone gives or let him do what he wants it stops immediately..... i'm sorry but this is emotional manipulation.... these are toddlers when they will become or are teenagers things will be or are not the same arguing your way out is not an option and issues discussed might not always play the way we wish in the teenagers mind... We live in a world and society which is dictated by authority and respect.. we all have to follow rules whether we like it or not, a child that is given his way whenever he wishes will have serious issues with authority as he grows up... that means issues with school and studies issues with work and social issues as well. I just can not imagine a person having a healthy life if they get angry because something doesn't happen there way and things in life don t always play the way we expect them... Plato once said that everything in life needs balance anything in excess leads to chaos or destruction, i personally think with children it is necessary to love them as much as possible but not over spoil them, communicate with them as much as possible but respect their privacy as well and not in a parental psychotic way, be respected and have your authority respected by the child but not be hitler either and mainly to have has much fun as possible with them. After all we all love are kids here on this forum otherwise we wouldn't be here but let's face it what we want is for our kids to have a happy childhood so yes it is ok to get dirty once in a while , yes it 's ok to have chocolate and candy enjoy for god sake let kids be kids.......

I am so glad you wrote. Thank you for providing your perspective. I actually agree with a lot that you have said. But as this page tries to tap into the deeper version of both ourselves and our children, I would like to shift the perspective slightly to say how I agree. At our spiritual core we are positive beings, when we feel less then ourselves, when we feel “off”, insecure, unsure, frustrated, confused, or upset we act unlike ourselves. As we get older we get use to feeling off. We become in the habit of it and in doing so can go through the motions of the day, dealing with people “socially” acting like nothing is wrong. A 2 year old can’t cover their true emotions up. They can’t pretend they don’t feel off when they do and they are so lucky. When we feel off and are aware of it, we can then use it as a spiritual tool to connect to our higher source again. If we cover it up, sometimes we don’t know how disconnected we really are and we become like shadows. Therefore, our children’s tantrums are great tools. Now, where I agree is that a child can’t always get what they want, none of us can, and that goes especially when we are feeling off. It’s a bit of a vicious circle, but it’s the same for all of us. Universal powers will never let us get our own way when we are disconnected, we think we need something to be happy, but we usually can’t get it unless we get happy anyway.
When a child has a tantrum it’s a delicate balance. I find it feels off just to give in, because it passes on the concept that things make us happy and that the world is waiting to give everything we want to us provided we scream loud enough (where you were coming from, right?), but if we shut the tantrum up we are telling them to get over feeling off and pretend the feeling doesn’t exist. This leads to a different shutting down later in life. We are also passing on to them that if we shout loud enough, or make demands, than we get what we want (children going to bed for instance). Shouting at children either shuts them down, or gets them shouting to get their way later on in life. So, where does that leave us? Viewing our children as people too it depends on the scenario and each individual situation. Sometimes a child is so tired it takes picking them up, crying even in their offness, tucking them in and holding them tight. We know it feels horrible to feel off, many a time we want to scream and shout, but bed can be a great place to get connected again. A firm no, you are going to bed, and then making bed a fun, loving experience can really help them get back to themselves. Sometimes our children are actually feeling connected and are in the middle of a great train of thought, the idea of stopping that to go to bed freaks them out as they felt so great and now we’re taking it away. Tantrum ensues. On something like that, understanding that we all hate to have a train of thought interrupted, can be offered a few more minutes to finish up. When we see our children from their deeper level we don’t fall into the “you have to do what I say all the time.” Rather we can build a firm, understanding and listening relationship.
Like I said, it’s a delicate balance. But worth it, as it doesn’t raise brats, rather people who are aware of other people’s feelings and perspectives , and more importantly, their own. All the best!

2 year old no longer being "gentle and loving"

I have lost what was a very gentle loving 2 yr old and has been replaced with a screaming strung out little girl , she shouts alot, hits ,bites the sofa ,spits,throws her food across the table and so much more how can I re balance her and calm her ways?

2 years old is a difficult age as they have observed and experienced quite a bit and want to take life up a notch, but its frustrating for them as they just don’t know how to. Although its often known as a “no” stage, it can sometimes come from us saying “no” almost as often as them, as they experiment and explore on a totally different level, resulting in things they just can’t do. Therefore a cycle of frustration can be created, which is like a ball of energy bouncing between us and our children. Since it is coming from a place where for 2 years we’ve been their safety net, their grounding place and security in being, it can be a shock when we start to say no more frequently, so more of the behavior we are saying no to is given.
Her behaviour is a reaction to her new position . She’s feeling disconnected from who she knows she is and then by presenting off behaviour , you in turn see her differently and she feels less like herself. So, like you ask, how to find rebalance and help her connect? You don’t have to calm her ways, that will happen when she’s connected and feeling herself again.
I wish I knew more about her. For instance, is she talking? How is her comprehension? Does she appear like she wants to be treated older? I know by 2, our eldest girl was eager to be seen as a member of the household. She wanted to help around the place, she would talk about what to have for dinner, and make choices about what she wanted to wear and what story she wanted read to her. She begged for feeling empowered and to help make decisions about things that effected her. This way really important on helping with her connection. If she felt powerless, she felt disconnected and less like herself. To this day, 8 years later, she is responsible and likes to help out with decisions. She’s a great leader with friends and family as well. Don’t be afraid to ask your daughter what she wants, needs or likes. She might be trying to get your attention.
As we are positive beings at our core, connection comes when we feel happy and joyful. What I would suggest is to set aside sometime to live in your daughter’s world. Take the phone off the hook, turn off the computer and get down on the floor with her. Play a puzzle together, play dolls together, see what interests her and take her lead. Let her show you how to play her way. Talk about things with her, even if she’s just listening. Put on music and dance, letting her choose her own way of dancing.
Also, its an exciting time as she is looking for new explorations. At 2 she’s probably getting fed up and she might need to have wonders brought to her attention. So point out birds flying past, cows in a field, or even rainbows made by a glass. Get her to help with small jobs, watering plants, sweeping up, pulling the plug out of the bathtub. She’ll feel more part of the action and it offers things to talk to her about, for she might want to understand why you are doing what you are doing. I’m a big one for the art of distraction, if she offers negative behaviour, don’t let her set the tone for how you feel. Simply set the calm feeling space and ask if she would like to help you, if she needs a hug, if she’s hungry, or downright look outside and notice something and ask her if she would like to check it out. She will want to feel better! We always want to feel better. If you can find her something to shift her focus to, then she will jump on board, unless what’s bothering her is really that more important.
This is one of the hardest times of year for our children. Suddenly the feeling of everywhere shifts as Christmas approaches and people act differently. For a 2 year old its really confusing, so they react badly. I always try to avoid talking too much about Christmas, as it makes it too big of deal about something they don’t understand. (I always find children flip out a lot more as of November, merely the sight of santa in stores makes them feel off). Try to keep her focus on things in front of her. By two you can even start making lists of appreciation with her before bed as a part of the bedtime ritual. (This can even be done as “Thank you’s” depending on your belief structure, or “I love” lists if you’d like a more universal approach). Drawing simple attention to the good things in her life reminds her they are there, and will shift the energy.
One last thing. Often it is us who set the tone for the house and when we see something in our children that throws us off we have to find the connection within ourselves first, to provide the example, action rather than reaction and a sense of security in a crazy world. Take sometime to shift focus away from your daughter’s behaviour. See her as the sweet, gentle girl, you know her to be,even if you have to do it away from her. Take some time to appreciate things in your life, to spend sometime in your inner world and create the calm energy you wish for her, within yourself. Even if it means taking a few moments before bed. When we find our own connection,and then offer up an issue we are having, we can shift perspective and see the solution, once we’ve stopped looking directly in the problem.

a mother asks how to deal with the Santa Myth

Ok. This sounds stupid, but I keep being put on the spot about this and considering the time of year it’s just going to get worse! My DD is 3.5 and everywhere she goes there’s Christmas stuff. Last year she didn’t really know what it was all about, but now she’s at playschool and she keeps hearing stuff. Not only that, but at stores and with my friends she keeps being asked if “she’s been good this year?” And “what do you want Santa to bring you?” I’ve always prided myself on not lying to her, even if it means life being more difficult, but she’s getting all excited about Santa and Christmas and I’m torn. I don’t want to disappoint her and seem like a Scrooge, but I also feel really bad playing the game. Any thoughts?

First thought is, the question doesn’t sound stupid at all and good for you for following how you feel. The holiday season can be so full of joy, wonder and magic and yet, often when we have small children, it can also be stressful and based in the wrong focus. 3.5 is the perfect time to set the right tone for how you want the future holidays to flow and by setting the right perspective now, you line your child up to feel the wonder and magic and not have it backfire by finding out it doesn’t exist in a few years. Many a child has felt betrayal and lost faith in magic because of the Santa myth and it really doesn’t have to be that way.
I feel the concept of giving gifts at the holidays is simply an extension of the mystical elements of the season. Children love to receive presents (ok, don’t we all) and the joy of both giving and receiving is what the focus should be: Joy. Joy and appreciation. One of the things that always settle wrong with me about the Santa myth is that the appreciation for the giver is missing. It’s like the exchange is never finished when you can’t look at someone and thank them for their thought and consideration. Rather it can turn into a greed fest, with “what next?” being the common phrase. This can spread into how we approach life as well, as if we don’t stop to appreciate all of the wonders life has spread infront of us, we get into a rut of waiting for the next and feeling unsatisfied in each moment.
No matter what your spiritual belief is surrounding the season, there is a physical, magical reality going off that our family always takes part in. The fact that everything is dead, lying cold in the ground and yet life still survives. That a magic cord keeps life generating and that soon life will return again is pretty incredible. Seasons can make us aware of the magic and wonder of the world around us and there is so much to appreciate. No matter what your background, there is always a sense of light and hope. The world offers so many gifts and the exchange of gifts is simply another extension of that. Also, the feeling space/energy of the world always changes in the Christmas season. (Hence the phrase “I feel Christmas-y) Sights, smells, tastes all trigger a warmth and invigorating energy. Santa can sometimes get in the way of truly experiencing all sides of the experience.
Therefore, here’s what I suggest. This is what we have done with our own children and although they talk about Christmas gifts it’s been done in fun. I asked them after receiving your question whether they felt cheated by not being led down the Santa train, and they looked surprised at me and both agreed that they hadn’t missed it at all.
Talk to your daughter about Santa and how he derived from St. Nick. Tell her how long ago there was a man who saw poverty and people who lacked things and decided to share joy and lighten their load on Christmas. Tell her that since then, people have taken up his tradition and at Christmas they remember the joy HE felt by giving without looking for thanks or even without other’s knowing it was him. Be honest with her and tell her that a lot of children are told the he still comes into houses, but you don’t want to lie to her. Also encourage her to not talk about it with friends as they would be sad to hear he wasn’t real, but point out that there is so much magic around, you don’t need to lie about it. Rather you can play the game and she can even pretend if she likes and leave the cookies and milk. Hang the stockings, do the fanfare, but as an imaginary game, just for the fun of it.
If adults start asking her questions you don’t have to take part in it, but you don’t have to make it a big deal. For instance swooping in with replies like “She’s always good.” Or “oh her Dad and I are talking about what we’re giving.” Can divert rather than make it awkward.
It is so sad to see children suddenly “grow out of magic” when they find out there is no Santa Claus. They have been cheated as they have to relearn what they were born knowing: that we live in a world full of miracles and magic is everywhere.

Zoned out 7 year old has too much screen time

What are your thoughts about computer games and how much a child should be on them? My son seems to always be on a game of some sort. The minute he comes home from school I barely get a hello before he’s involved in something on the computer. It’s driving me crazy. If I make a big deal about them he just gets mad and upset, and if I ban them he droops about saying how bored he is and drives me even more crazy. I feel like he’s wasting his life away, when he should be playing. He’s seven next month by the way.

Computer games, and with that I mean Nintendos, Wiis, hand held devices and gosh knows what other electronic gadgets are out there for entertainment for our children, are one of a modern family’s greatest challenges. There’s something about them that always feels off to a parent, as we watch our children become emotionally and sometimes physically charged up by them or simply watch them get into what my children and I call “the zone”, where they seem to disappear almost entirely. However, the way I see it, is that computers and gaming doesn’t have to be a situation of do or don’t, they don’t need banning as such, rather like a lot of things they need shifting in perspective.
We live in a world that relies on computers, quite honestly I don’t know where I would be without mine. Computers have sped up our world, and now we seem to multi task, think and communicate faster than ever before. Our children came purposefully at this time. They choose this new age with all its gadgets and gizmos. Therefore, in some ways, if we full out deny our children a chance to take part in this new, than we hold them back from understanding how others work around them and possibly what they partly came here to experience. However, like you’ve said, it can feel like wasting a life away, zoned out in a different reality.
For me, gaming and computers, also TV if you want to add it to the list, provide an amazing opportunity for us as parents. It’s a great lesson of awareness for ourselves and for our children and communication about how things make us feel is paramount. Life is about balance, and if a child occasionally needs to escape reality and enter a different world via the computer, that’s one thing, but if he sees it as that, and decides that’s what he needs, that’s a different story. Choosing the zone, and feeling your way there is an empowering choice, whereas usually children just drift there out of boredom and not knowing what to do. Ironically, it seems that the more they use computer games as amusement so they aren’t bored, the more bored they get when they aren’t infront of the computer. It’s an addiction and like all addiction, understanding it and admitting it is the first step.
Now, to your son.
First, if he thinks that life is boring when the computer is off, then the computer will have a lot more appeal and he will push harder against not having turned off. If you are determined he has some off time, then you will have more resistance to it being on, and that usually will result in you getting what you don’t want: The computer will be on a lot! Therefore, the place to put the attention isn’t on how to get the computer off, it’s how to make life more creative and exciting for your son, so he gets a sense of how wonderful life can be without the addiction of a game. Shift focus on creating fun and he’ll be off fast enough. Bake together, do crafts together, get a sensory table going, get messy, start going for walks, hikes, go explore, remind yourself of what it’s like to be him and see the world through his eyes, what does he love (other than computer) and see if you can physicalize it. If he likes bugs and science take him to a discovery centre or for a nature walk, get him (AND YOU) to a library or to tours, anything that sparks life and fun. If you want him to live creatively, then get creative.
When you have him having fun away from the screen, then mention to him that you love having fun with him. Tell him how you feel the computer takes him away. Talk to him about the zone, or how it changes the feeling of the house and then ask if you can come up with a deal, about what sort of games he plays and for how long. Get him to talk to you about the games he is playing, ask him about what he learns, find out about his world and what makes him love it so and then come up with a compromise so you are treating his wants with respect and vice versa.
Be the balance not the resistance. Also be honest with him and yourself. My daughters were getting into the zone once and then when I opened up the topic they said, “but mom, what about you and Facebook?” I had to look within myself and realized that yes, sometimes I had zoned out on my newsfeed. So, we talked about it and as a family promised we would do our best to not be zoned out and be more aware of the house. It meant there was no pushing against, simply working together.

Mother of 4 struggling with depression

hello, I have just become a parent for the fourth time and I've been struggling with depression. If you have any advice i would be truly grateful.

I would love to try and help. I have to admit I’m not fully educated on the medical condition of Post Natal Depression, so I have to stress that I’m not offering any medical advice. I can only comment on a few ways to shift perspective, possibly finding relief and moments of parenting joy.
I know how overwhelming having multiple children can be, especially when they are all at a very young age. It seems that your attention is always needed and the beautiful image of a new mother cuddling up to her newborn and spending time gazing in their eyes can seem very far off as you rush from child to child and then try to squeeze in dishes and dinner, let alone see a partner alone for 2 minutes! Within that constant juggling act we can lose a sense of self and start to feel like we’re drowning. You don’t mention the age of your other children, but no matter what, parenting a new born is such a different journey than parenting a toddler, and then again, the journey shifts when we hit school age. Each stage brings their own challenges, but also their own joys, provided we can find them in all the muddle.
Usually, my first advice is to find a moment to connect, to appreciate and go within, finding the calm centre of the real YOU so you can sense answers, but considering 4 kids and one a new born, let’s assume that that seems too much to ask. Without that moment how to find your core centre, so you can start to feel yourself again. For that is the key to it all. So often in those depressing moments we cry out that this isn’t the life we dreamed of, that we had ambitions that we feel we can’t follow anymore, or that we never get anytime, but at the root of it all comes the need to feel connected, to feel part of the flood of wellbeing that is ever flowing, and to feel ourselves, fully ourselves, not a robot in motion. It’s when we feel like we’re unfulfilled, and then start to look at others as the cause of that un-fulfilment so we feel helpless, that we truly sink into despair.
So, YOU. Wonderful, spectacular YOU. You need some expression and some wonderment. Let’s swerve from children for a moment, as really that’s probably what’s going on most of the time for you right now. You don’t have to feel your children have to bring you joy. You don’t have to feel like they are the be all, end all. You don’t have any emotional requirement put upon you. We’re here to feel good, that’s how we connect to our pure, positive, spiritual selves. (That doesn’t mean leave the kids in the house and go for a walk for any readers wondering at my concept of feeling good, it never feels good, deeply good to let others suffer, let’s just keep that clear). Focusing our thoughts, even in imagination can trigger feeling good emotions. We can remind ourselves of lying on a beach in the hot sun on a winter day and we will feel warmed. Take a moment to imagine a place that you love, even your partner’s arms in bed. Hold that moment in your thoughts, and don’t let any negative voice tell you that it doesn’t exist any longer since “the kids”. Life works in cycles, and the universe recognizes how we feel. By imagining things, scenarios, and moments that make your heart feel better you are training it to feel better and revel in new moments that feel good. Does that make any sense? Therefore start to compile a tool box of feeling good thoughts, jokes that made you smile, memories of when you first fell in love, a trip to…anywhere. That thought will trigger a feeling better emotion, starting to end the barrage of thoughts that can build up negative steam.
The same things go for appreciation. Now it’s too much to ask a tired mom to lie in bed before sleep and make a list of things you really appreciate (but if you can squeeze it in, great). However, there are moments of things to appreciate daily. Try to make it your mission to appreciate as many things as possible, and when you appreciate them, don’t just tick them off a list, let the appreciation be pushed a little bit to the point of your heart lifting slightly, or until you give a little gasp. If one thing doesn’t work, look for something else. It can be that first cup of coffee, seeing a sunset, lying on your pillow (aren’t pillows wonderful, really?), a comfortable chair, your favourite sweater, a dish your mother gave you, your friend’s wacky laugh. Throughout the day take a split second back over everything and see if you can appreciate it rather than run past in, or get upset about it. It sounds impossible at the start, but soon you will notice all sorts of things that you couldn’t have before… and yes, they will involve your children.
Here’s the funny thing about children. They mirror how we feel, especially when they are younger. They match us, rather than try to help us. When you think of being in an argument, it takes a lot of practice to not match the other person emotionally. If someone is mad at you, it’s easier to fall into getting mad back at them, rather than walk away. Young children react like that too, so if life’s overwhelming to begin with, often our children feel it, get overwhelmed and then it really does go into a spiral. When you start to take a moment to appreciate each moment than there’s a feeling shift. When you start to feel a spiral, change the feeling space, grab everyone and go for a walk, put on some uplifting music that has always made you feel better, eat something that you love, leave the housework and play dress up with your children, even ask your kids to tickle you if you think it would make you laugh. The children will react to the new feeling space you set and they will then mirror it. Life gets easier.
Young children sense your pain and when I say they mirror it doesn’t mean they don’t want to help, they just don’t understand how to. It’s not their job to make you feel better, that’s no one’s job, but it will feel better to involve them. Tell them you’re trying to make yourself feel better, and you are looking for things to feel good about, ask their help. It’s a great car game to look for things to be thankful for, or things that make us feel good. We also learn a lot about our children when we hear what does it for them. Share with them, join in with them. They can also help with the other overwhelming parts of life by putting away toys, or watching the baby, they can set tables, or turn off tv’s. Children thrive in a group effort, and if they've been feeling your pain, they will want to help, if you suggest how they can. Your baby might seem to hold up the ship a bit, but if you take midnight feeds and focus on the fact that it’s the only one on one time to connect to them, then take a soft moment to remind yourself that babies have just come and therefore are spiritually connected almost all of the time. They let us know when they aren’t! Appreciate how simple things are, how clear for them, and let yourself sink into how they feel, in the warmth of your arms. Count his/her toes, kiss their hair, and watch their movements, you were like that at one point to.
It’s a question of little bit, by little bit, moment by moment. It doesn’t need to add up, we never need to fully know where it’s going, but when we appreciate the little things, even the fact that our bodies can grow other bodies inside of ourselves, and that we create new organs to feed and nurture it, and then give birth, and then provide nutrition for it, then our truest parts of ourselves scream out that Yes, we are part of something beautiful and wondrous. We don’t need to figure it out, we just need to feel a bit better and than a bit better to let life flow through and balance/wellbeing to be restored. Your children chose you before they came. Not because they knew you would be super mom and do everything perfect straight off, but because you are YOU. They know you as you and they knew the experiences you could create TOGETHER. They knew that together you would take each other to new places and new growth and that’s what this whole process is all about. You are doing exceptionally well! You are doing great, being YOU! Even just by saying I want to do better you offer the request up and it will be heard, you just have to feel your way there, feeling better little bit by little bit, appreciating and savoring.
I hope this helps a little bit. Please let me know, and if you have any questions, or want to discuss anything at anytime, just write. You aren’t alone in this, we’re all in this together. We raise children for the same generation and together we are working for feeling better options. Be well and thrive.